Students Propose Alternative Energy Source; Textbooks

CHARLOTTETOWN- UPEI students are on the cutting edge of alternative fuels since the unveiling of a new alternative fuel source.

"Textbooks alone have the potential to heat thousands of homes." said one student researcher.

"In fact, with only my intro to physics book, I was easily able to cook a meal for myself and friends. Also it adds a nice 'sciencey' taste to the meat."

Following the completion of exams, numerous students have tried this alternative fuel. Many have noted the fuel to provide astonishing levels of satisfaction.

"After we finished our nutrition final, my friends and I burned our books." said Alison MacPhee, a fourth year student.

"We cooked marshmallows over the bonfire, for irony, you know?"

"Take that Thermodynamics and Statistical Analysis volume 1!" shouted one happy student.

While textbook fuels are believed to produce 400 kilojoules of rage against 'the Man', critics have argued that the fuel is too inefficient, citing the $150 to 20 minutes of burning most books produce.

UPEI Uses Tactical Final Examinations Upon Student Nation

CHARLOTTETOWN- In response to the students' defiling of university soil, UPEI has declared a 'War on Error'. UPEI recently mobilized its professors, calling for a direct assault, leaving students in a state of 'shock and awe'.

"Up until today, simply anyone has been able to cross into our university. As of now, we are requiring proof of ID and stringent checks." said UPEI President, Wade MacLauchlan.

"We cannot cut and run anymore, we've decided to unleash the big guns, final examinations."

Numerous students are decrying the preemptive use of exams as 'horrid' and 'in violation of international legislation'. Professors have responded by saying that the students who complain of such violations are poli-sci students; these receive essays instead of final examinations anyways.

"I was in the library one day and I heard this shaking, I knew something was happening" described one helpless first year.

"I saw a bio major reading his textbook shortly after, I'm pretty sure his head exploded, it was horrifying. Then I saw a girl and she was saying 'the ideal gas constant is 8.314 joules per mole kelvin' over and over again."

"There will be casualties on both sides." said UPEI Vice-President, Richard Cheney.

"But we must fight on and remember who these students are, they hate us for our freedom."

UPEI More Tolerant Than Ever; Elects White Males to Executive

CHARLOTTETOWN- UPEI has witnessed a massive step forward in tolerance this month with the election of three white men to the executive positions of UPEI. Many have praised UPEI for the election of a white president and co-vice president team.

"It really says a lot about a campus that is able to elect a white executive." said diversity expert James Thomas.

"It's shown that, despite being descended from poor immigrants, white people have established themselves in Canada."

However, some commentators are questioning the motivation behind voting.

"All I'm saying is that some voters may have jumped at the opportunity to be the historic group of voters who elected an all white executive." said Ron Merlot, host of UPEI's Generic Politics Show.

"Most of us are not aware of Livingstone's stance of UPEI mandated healthcare."

"I'm really proud of UPEI." said Ralph Mandell.

"They saw that there were people who were disadvantaged and took a chance to fix this wrong. I remember when I heard about the results and I was quite shocked, three executive positions with whites. Even the US only elected a white VP and I thought that was incredible. Really, I think it's great that there are some whites who are really stepping up."

UPEI has also announced that it will be introducing more money into its English As A First Language (EFL) program to increase a deeper tolerance within campus.