Correction Notices: Friday October 28th, 2011

The Student Gazette 3.0 would like to apologize for the following:

Timothy MacFarlane is not actually a bassoonist but in fact plays second violin, we apologize for shaming his family by telling our readers that he had role of significance in the orchestra.

Wakelin "Fitz Cat" James is not actually a millionaire but in fact is unemployed and collecting welfare. We made the assumption after James purchased a Rolls Royce in cash.

Glenneth Dehorwitz is not actually the president of Lichtenstein, he is in fact a dead Austrian man who has never been to Lichtenstein. We were confused when Dehorwitz seemed much more lively than current the president.

The Canadian Space Agency did not land on the moon and visit the Russian moonbase. No Canadian has actually landed on the moon, nor is there a Russian moonbase or a Canadian Space Agency.

George W. Bush is actually not a famous rock star, nor did he die at the age of 27. He is actually a former president of the United States. He is also still alive.

We would like to take this time to thank our readers as we pledge to stay committed to giving you the very best of the truth.

Obama announces “Don’t freak out guys, but the money is gone.”

WASHINGTON— A visibly shaken Barack Obama addressed the nation today on a televised broadcast. “Hey guys, it’s been a while since we talked. I know we said we’d work on communication, but things got busy. But let’s cut the bull.”

The 50 year old adjusted his collar, making eye contact with the camera briefly before letting his gaze drop back down to his hand scrawled notes. He let out a deep breath before starting again. “Now listen for a sec, don’t freak out guys, but the money is gone.”

The president stood there in silence, letting the audience at home collect themselves. He looked back up, his brow furrowed. “Now I know what you’re thinking, I know what you’re thinking. Barry, I had $43.24 in my piggy bank. It’s gone. We needed that new car.”

The president turned to face camera two. “Or that $234.98 wedged between the mattresses for emergencies, we took that too. We’re spending $700 billion for a military. Let alone $13 trillion on other stuff. Then there’s the Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security and Sasha and Malia need their private school tuition paid too. What I’m saying is this: we took the $234.98 wedged between mattresses too.”

“I know we agreed to cut back and I said that I would get a second job. But $1.39 in cuts wasn’t enough to stop that and Olive Garden isn’t paying like it used to.”

“Now I’m not saying that Santa isn’t going to come to the United States this year, but I am saying that his sleigh is probably going to be a little bit lighter this time around.” Obama, master of charisma, turned to the first camera. “Joey, stop your sniffling, it’s going to be okay.”

“I’ve talked to Michelle, and we think we worked out our plan. Don’t worry, we’re not moving back in with England. It’s much simpler than that. Success is nearly guaranteed.” He said, bringing back the ol’ Obama/Biden smile of ’08.

“We’re invading Canada.”

UPEI uproots parking lot to construct new building to combat parking issues

CHARLOTTETOWN— UPEI has formally announced its plan to construct a new Faculty of Transportation and Statistics building. This plan will coincide with the creation of the new degree of transportation. The building will be one of the largest buildings on campus, requiring the utter destruction of one of UPEI’s parking lots.

The Faculty of Transportation and Statistics building will contain seven state of the art classrooms that will likely never be used’ it will also only house one faculty member, who will never be teaching inside of the building. Dr. Jamie Larson, a doctorate of Transportation and Statistics with a speciality in parking, introduced the primary research of the new department.

“The primary goal of my research will be proposing solutions to parking congestion. This means that every couple weeks I’ll tell them to raise the cost of parking meters and then reward myself with a Dr. Pepper and a scratch ticket.”

In the past, students have parked in the Superstore parking lot, as well as the Farmer’s Market parking lot in order to guarantee parking. UPEI has since expressed interests in procuring these parking lots and utilizing the land for ‘green space’. This purchase would not be set up to offset the carbon emissions of the campus, but instead just to fuck with the students.

“UPEI could really just pave some land, or construct a parking facility, but if it were really that simple, I probably wouldn’t have the gambling addiction that I have now thanks to those lotto tickets.” said Dr. Larson.

UPEI has also announced plans to hire Stephen Harper’s budget cutting advisors to help reduce the burden of tuition on students. A plan that will result in a near doubling of tuition.

City cures downtown horse tour traffic woes by reinstating 1911 ban on private automobiles

CHARLOTTETOWN— Islanders who have been having difficulty travelling downtown because of the local horse and carriage tours, are going to feel a great sense of relief now that the municipal government has finally come to the decision to reinstate the 1911 ban against horseless carriages.

The ban has been well received by the horse tour cabbies as well as locally-grown organic psychopath Sharon Labchuk.

The city has not abandoned its platform for public transportation and will be replacing the bus engines with a two horse team, each horse providing one horse power.

The implementation of the ban will open up new job opportunities such as shit-shovelling and horse grooming. It will also lead to a loss of significantly more jobs.

One council member stated “the passing of this law is a slap in the face to wait times at the DMV; we’ll next be looking at cutting down on ER wait times by outlawing the practising of medicine.”

After signing the bill into law mayor Clifford Lee loudly proclaimed “Now father will have to buy me a fucking pony for Christmas” before standing up and punching councillor Mitch Tweel in the face and leaving city hall.

Senator says US pulling out is barbaric, proposes military condom instead

WASHINGTON—Military procedure is often at the centre of controversy, but Sen. Ivan Humes (D-Michigan) has introduced a military reform bill that has once again stirred the pot.

Following the lengthy debate of whether the military had ought to pull out or stay the course, Humes has proposed a new solution to the problem, a military condom. DARPA has unveiled a theoretical military condom, available in stealth black, forest and desert camo and is large enough for an entire B-2 stealth bomber (though different sized condoms will be available for tanks, jet fighters and battleships).

The condom is advertised as being an excellent means for keeping military equipment clean while going through the bush as well.

The religious right have found themselves at odds with the military condom citing the condoms tendency to break when firing $5 million missiles into the opposing foreign regions. Some hippies have proposed military abstinence, this response was quickly silenced when Republican senator and former Sergeant Jonathon Morris (R-Arkansas) pulled an automatic assault rifle from his wife’s purse, waving it in the air and shooting holes into the wall while former Corporal Thomas Murdock (D-Idaho) performed his rendition of Drowning Pool’s “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor”.

In awe of how bitching the military is, the bill passed unanimously with 22 votes in favour with none opposed. However, 78 senators abstained after fleeing from Morris’ volley of bullets.

DARPA has announced that the condom will be manufactured by Trojan, individually packaged at a cost of $7.8 million each. DARPA has also stated that the condoms will be ribbed for their pleasure.

Republican senator Dean Mitchell (R-Delaware) has subsequently proposed the creation of a military wallet to house the condom until it is ready for deployment.

BREAKING: Leaked conversation further implicates Kate McKenna to be Secret UPEI Underlord

The following in an undoctored (but possibly surgeoned) screen capture of discussion between VPA hopeful O'Brien and Cadre Mobster Connor Simpson:

Draw your own conclusions (with crayons), but either way, buy PCs and wear tinfoil hats.