WASHINGTON—Military procedure is often at the centre of controversy, but Sen. Ivan Humes (D-Michigan) has introduced a military reform bill that has once again stirred the pot.
Following the lengthy debate of whether the military had ought to pull out or stay the course, Humes has proposed a new solution to the problem, a military condom. DARPA has unveiled a theoretical military condom, available in stealth black, forest and desert camo and is large enough for an entire B-2 stealth bomber (though different sized condoms will be available for tanks, jet fighters and battleships).
The condom is advertised as being an excellent means for keeping military equipment clean while going through the bush as well.
The religious right have found themselves at odds with the military condom citing the condoms tendency to break when firing $5 million missiles into the opposing foreign regions. Some hippies have proposed military abstinence, this response was quickly silenced when Republican senator and former Sergeant Jonathon Morris (R-Arkansas) pulled an automatic assault rifle from his wife’s purse, waving it in the air and shooting holes into the wall while former Corporal Thomas Murdock (D-Idaho) performed his rendition of Drowning Pool’s “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor”.
In awe of how bitching the military is, the bill passed unanimously with 22 votes in favour with none opposed. However, 78 senators abstained after fleeing from Morris’ volley of bullets.
DARPA has announced that the condom will be manufactured by Trojan, individually packaged at a cost of $7.8 million each. DARPA has also stated that the condoms will be ribbed for their pleasure.
Republican senator Dean Mitchell (R-Delaware) has subsequently proposed the creation of a military wallet to house the condom until it is ready for deployment.
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