Students Propose Alternative Energy Source; Textbooks

CHARLOTTETOWN- UPEI students are on the cutting edge of alternative fuels since the unveiling of a new alternative fuel source.

"Textbooks alone have the potential to heat thousands of homes." said one student researcher.

"In fact, with only my intro to physics book, I was easily able to cook a meal for myself and friends. Also it adds a nice 'sciencey' taste to the meat."

Following the completion of exams, numerous students have tried this alternative fuel. Many have noted the fuel to provide astonishing levels of satisfaction.

"After we finished our nutrition final, my friends and I burned our books." said Alison MacPhee, a fourth year student.

"We cooked marshmallows over the bonfire, for irony, you know?"

"Take that Thermodynamics and Statistical Analysis volume 1!" shouted one happy student.

While textbook fuels are believed to produce 400 kilojoules of rage against 'the Man', critics have argued that the fuel is too inefficient, citing the $150 to 20 minutes of burning most books produce.

UPEI Uses Tactical Final Examinations Upon Student Nation

CHARLOTTETOWN- In response to the students' defiling of university soil, UPEI has declared a 'War on Error'. UPEI recently mobilized its professors, calling for a direct assault, leaving students in a state of 'shock and awe'.

"Up until today, simply anyone has been able to cross into our university. As of now, we are requiring proof of ID and stringent checks." said UPEI President, Wade MacLauchlan.

"We cannot cut and run anymore, we've decided to unleash the big guns, final examinations."

Numerous students are decrying the preemptive use of exams as 'horrid' and 'in violation of international legislation'. Professors have responded by saying that the students who complain of such violations are poli-sci students; these receive essays instead of final examinations anyways.

"I was in the library one day and I heard this shaking, I knew something was happening" described one helpless first year.

"I saw a bio major reading his textbook shortly after, I'm pretty sure his head exploded, it was horrifying. Then I saw a girl and she was saying 'the ideal gas constant is 8.314 joules per mole kelvin' over and over again."

"There will be casualties on both sides." said UPEI Vice-President, Richard Cheney.

"But we must fight on and remember who these students are, they hate us for our freedom."

UPEI More Tolerant Than Ever; Elects White Males to Executive

CHARLOTTETOWN- UPEI has witnessed a massive step forward in tolerance this month with the election of three white men to the executive positions of UPEI. Many have praised UPEI for the election of a white president and co-vice president team.

"It really says a lot about a campus that is able to elect a white executive." said diversity expert James Thomas.

"It's shown that, despite being descended from poor immigrants, white people have established themselves in Canada."

However, some commentators are questioning the motivation behind voting.

"All I'm saying is that some voters may have jumped at the opportunity to be the historic group of voters who elected an all white executive." said Ron Merlot, host of UPEI's Generic Politics Show.

"Most of us are not aware of Livingstone's stance of UPEI mandated healthcare."

"I'm really proud of UPEI." said Ralph Mandell.

"They saw that there were people who were disadvantaged and took a chance to fix this wrong. I remember when I heard about the results and I was quite shocked, three executive positions with whites. Even the US only elected a white VP and I thought that was incredible. Really, I think it's great that there are some whites who are really stepping up."

UPEI has also announced that it will be introducing more money into its English As A First Language (EFL) program to increase a deeper tolerance within campus.

All Hail Rob, Glorious Leader, Savior of All

CHARLOTTETOWN- In a great act of humility and love for their leader, UPEI students chose to hold an exhibition election, re-electing President-for-Life, Rob Livingstone. Livingstone descended unto campus like a radiating star.

Livingstone originally took office in 1989 when, just after being born, he destroyed the great catfish that lived in the Hillsborough river. After this, the spirit for the First President appeared before Rob Livingstone, praising him for his incredible combat wisdom and post-secondary facility administrative skills.

It was after the great Rob Livingstone received the Mandate of Heaven that he defeated Tim Cullen, the horrible tyrant and patriarch of our ancestors, freeing us all from a future as university-ridden zombie mind slaves belonging to a disgraced house.

Upon his receiving of the throne that has belonged to our Glorious Leader since the day of his birth, the sky was ripped open and world peace rained upon UPEI. The grounds have since become fertile.

Everyone has agreed that Rob Livingstone, patron of a thousand level minds, is without doubt the perfect leader of our university.

"How could you even think about a UPEI without Rob Livingstone?" asked chairman Frykman.

"To question the glorious Livingstone is on the verge of treason and it is known to all that words of treason will turn to acid in the mouth of the treacherous and they shall be struck down by fire and ice at the same time. All Hail Rob! All glory to the President!"

Since the exhibition election, 340% of students have voted in favour of continuously singing praises to Rob to glorify his powerful deeds and to appease the wrath of our ancestors, who, by their death, are not limited to seeing Rob as only a person, but as the grand SU President they see beyond space and time.

Separatist Party Aspires For SU Majority Government

CHARLOTTETOWN- A new separatist party has announced that it has entered into the fray ofthe UPEI Student Union Elections. The Succeed to Secede party formed in order to voice the opinion of student separatists.

"We feel that PEI does not recognize the sovereignty of the nation of UPEI. We have been crucial to the well being of the Island and our rights as a nation have been ignored." said party president Ralph Connell.

"We believe that the nation of UPEI should separate from PEI because of our cultural differences."

The party has lobbied the Student Union in the past. Their most recent victory was the construction of fence along the PEI/UPEI western border.

"The fence has been of some success, but we would like to construct a larger wall with cameras to keep more Islanders from illegally entering our country." said Jean Rosslen, deputy leader of the Succeed to Secede party.

"We'll be making sure people are aware of our values and policies, which are quite simple: leave PEI. To make sure that the student body is aware of our party, we'll be hosting numerous events. This Friday in the CARI Centre, we will be hosting a rousing tournament of Duck, Duck, Separatist. On Saturday it'll be Sundaes for Sovereignty, and on Monday we will hold the first ever Prince Edward Island flag burning day."

Not all party members are so optimistic.

"I don't know if we'd actually separate," stated backbencher Michael Dow.

"I know it would be nice, but really we really like sucking the government for money. Of course, this may just be part of our national identity."

Students Still Struggling With Hook-up Know-How; Clock Remains Best Hook-up Spot

CHARLOTTETOWN- A recent study has unveiled a serious lack of hook-up knowledge on UPEI. The survey questioned students about their favourite spot to hook-up. While numerous students consider themselves to be experts, few have shown promise.

"We were saddened when we found out that no students had mentioned the top of the clock as the best hook-up spot" said a visibly disturbed Rob Schneider, PEI's leading relationship guru.

"When two students are very fond of each other and desire to take the next step in their relationship, it shouldn't be a step towards the basement of a basementless building. It should be toward the top of the clock!"

Not all hope is lost for students hoping to get their mack on. Some, such as Sarah Williams, recognize the importance of on-clock makeout sessions.

"When you see someone climbing the clock with a special friend, you know that they have a well-stocked refrigerator" said Williams.

"The tradition of getting one's freak on at the clock has been around since we received the clock, like, forever ago." said relationologist Jonathan Botswan, "Well, it feels like forever if you've been there as much as I have."

Though the clock has only been on campus for a short period of time, it received the attention of students during the infamous Betty/Jerry fiasco.

"It's sad that students don't know enough about the clock. I'm actually starting my own clock information session." reported Botswan, "I'm always available for meeting for an education session about the clock. You bring the ladder, I'll bring the sexy"

Charlottetown Increases Parking Fees to Fund New Program to Curb Parking Problems

CHARLOTTEOWN- Charlottetown lawmakers have recently announced an increase in the cost of parking meters and parking fines in downtown Charlottetown. The increase is meant to curb parking violations in the area. Legislators have stated that the revenue will go towards Project Icarus, a program to develop personal jetpacks to downsize the amount of space needed to park. 

"Project Icarus should have Charlottetownians taking to the skies by early 2013 and will cost residents approximately eleventy billion dollars," said Mayor Clifford Lee. "The cost of the project seems high, but we'll be paying for the program only through the revenue we receive from the meters and the parking infractions."

The controversial changes have been put into effect as of Monday and include: a meter rate of $500 per hour, a $10,000 fine on parking violations, an additional $5,000 dollar fine if the vehicle in violation has an even number of wheels, and a "no parking period" of 12:03 pm until 12:05 pm, during which any vehicle found parking in the city can face an arbitrary fine of $65,000. 

"With the expected revenue made, we'll be flying around Charlottetown in no time." said head of research, Janet Frack. 

Upon completion of Project Icarus, the municipal government will provide each Islander with their own rocket pack. The proposed model is a two stroke engine rocket which is fueled by diesel and the blood of innocents.

While some critics of Project Icarus have stated that the parking problem could be fixed through carpools, numerous Islanders have protested.

"I already have to sit across from Kevin for seven hours each day, constantly reminded of the company beach party and his ridiculous speedo. I don't want to have to witness that sight every morning." said Lawrence Howler.

"The man has chest hair like a beaver, an oily beaver. It was bad enough being in the same ocean as Kevin, but I'm definitely not getting into the same pool as the man."