Upset as Costumed Hero Revealed to be Drunken Party-Goer

SOURIS - Campus has been rocked this week over the loss of its prided hero Lampshade Man, as his true identity was discovered late Saturday night. The university is hosting a funeral for the still, technically, living hero this Monday. Lampshade Man was recognized by his dazzling white toga, firm lampshade and his slurred speech.

The fanaticism arose early that night after a man, claiming to have the ability to fly, super strength and the ability to totally jump that fence, beat up some jock asshole. "I think he saved my life" said Beth O'Connors, a local student "This big jerk came up to me and was all like "rawr" and stuff and then Lampshade Man punched him in the face. It was awesome."

"It turns out he's just some drunk student," said Officer Godfried, a 20 year veteran of the police forces who has a knack for being a buzz kill. "He's simply a regular guy who had 14 shots of tequila too many, donned a lampshade and fought crime."

Police have been vague about the exact number of crimes fought by Lampshade Man, but have told reporters that the number is bigger than 85 and rhymes with "batey-bix".

"We're happy to hear about his rescue of Ms. O'Connors, but we do have to charge Lampshade Man with assault because [we're total jerks who cannot value a real hero like Lampshade Man and I'm pretty sure that I beat my children or something]" said Officer Godfried.

Police are still trying to learn Lampshade Man's true name but are finding difficulty since Lampshade Man consumed all of his personal information earlier in the evening, winning a bet with friend Gerald Mattieu securing Lampshade Man a free Whopper hamburger.

"I still think he's really out there," said student Douglas Robins "He'll probably show up again in a few years with Tupac. I bet they fight crime together all the time."