MINNESOTA- IBM has announced a new model of computer, the XPR Impersonal Computer, the first computer designed to be as user unfriendly as possible.
"The XPR is a brand new take on computers. We're fully aware that technology exists to make us as uncomfortable as possible. The XPR features many new and exciting features." said Julia Marroon, IBM Sales Representative.
"Right now, the XPR will be one of the only computers to not carry a hard drive or other long term storage device, making it impossible to store any data. We've also added an electric shocking mechanism underneath the keyboard, allowing the XPR to shock you with up to 455 V any time you piss it off"
Beta testers have been pleased with the model so far. "I've never been so angry at a machine in my life," said Rodney Stuart. "It's absolutely thrilling, I've been enjoying the vague or unhelpful error messages."
"We've taken computer failure to a new level. Our programmers have allowed the XPR to use algorithms and heuristics to determine the significance of a program to the user and when to best initiate a computer crash. We're also keeping an eye on our competition. We've accidentally included an optical drive, which leaves us behind Apple's MacBook Air." reported Jimmy Alkon, lead developer.
As well as being internally problematic, the model will only support peripherals that use out-of-date or unfinished, prototypical ports.
"We've decided that PS/2 and VGA15 is really the way to go. Allowing our customers to use modern hardware would be far to convenient and clashes with our revolutionary business model." said Alkon, "Any and all peripherals will, naturally, not be included. Each computer will also be delivered with mis-matched power cords and supplies. For example, 110V models will ship to France, 220V models will to Mexico."
Although no official decisions have been made, IBM has assured customers that correct replacement cables will be available with great difficulty and at a prohibitive cost.
The estimated cost of the machine will be $10,000 for the cheapest model, a core system which will be shipped unassembled along with a vague assembly manual written in Aramaic and Klingon.
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