City cures downtown horse tour traffic woes by reinstating 1911 ban on private automobiles

CHARLOTTETOWN— Islanders who have been having difficulty travelling downtown because of the local horse and carriage tours, are going to feel a great sense of relief now that the municipal government has finally come to the decision to reinstate the 1911 ban against horseless carriages.

The ban has been well received by the horse tour cabbies as well as locally-grown organic psychopath Sharon Labchuk.

The city has not abandoned its platform for public transportation and will be replacing the bus engines with a two horse team, each horse providing one horse power.

The implementation of the ban will open up new job opportunities such as shit-shovelling and horse grooming. It will also lead to a loss of significantly more jobs.

One council member stated “the passing of this law is a slap in the face to wait times at the DMV; we’ll next be looking at cutting down on ER wait times by outlawing the practising of medicine.”

After signing the bill into law mayor Clifford Lee loudly proclaimed “Now father will have to buy me a fucking pony for Christmas” before standing up and punching councillor Mitch Tweel in the face and leaving city hall.

Senator says US pulling out is barbaric, proposes military condom instead

WASHINGTON—Military procedure is often at the centre of controversy, but Sen. Ivan Humes (D-Michigan) has introduced a military reform bill that has once again stirred the pot.

Following the lengthy debate of whether the military had ought to pull out or stay the course, Humes has proposed a new solution to the problem, a military condom. DARPA has unveiled a theoretical military condom, available in stealth black, forest and desert camo and is large enough for an entire B-2 stealth bomber (though different sized condoms will be available for tanks, jet fighters and battleships).

The condom is advertised as being an excellent means for keeping military equipment clean while going through the bush as well.

The religious right have found themselves at odds with the military condom citing the condoms tendency to break when firing $5 million missiles into the opposing foreign regions. Some hippies have proposed military abstinence, this response was quickly silenced when Republican senator and former Sergeant Jonathon Morris (R-Arkansas) pulled an automatic assault rifle from his wife’s purse, waving it in the air and shooting holes into the wall while former Corporal Thomas Murdock (D-Idaho) performed his rendition of Drowning Pool’s “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor”.

In awe of how bitching the military is, the bill passed unanimously with 22 votes in favour with none opposed. However, 78 senators abstained after fleeing from Morris’ volley of bullets.

DARPA has announced that the condom will be manufactured by Trojan, individually packaged at a cost of $7.8 million each. DARPA has also stated that the condoms will be ribbed for their pleasure.

Republican senator Dean Mitchell (R-Delaware) has subsequently proposed the creation of a military wallet to house the condom until it is ready for deployment.

BREAKING: Leaked conversation further implicates Kate McKenna to be Secret UPEI Underlord

The following in an undoctored (but possibly surgeoned) screen capture of discussion between VPA hopeful O'Brien and Cadre Mobster Connor Simpson:

Draw your own conclusions (with crayons), but either way, buy PCs and wear tinfoil hats.

Annoying Students Mourn Death of One of Their Own

CHARLOTTETOWN- On Wednesday, students who talk incessantly in class gathered to mourn Tristen Williams, a student who also commented incessantly in class.

Williams died at the age of 20 as a result of a riot after he retold the time he crocheted a Spock blanket after his parents abandoned him in an well and how this relates to the second derivative of an exponential graph.

Professors have reported that Williams has been the victim of bullying in the past.

"At first it started with dirty looks, one time he gave his opinion on basic addition and I threw a chair at him. A metal chair, the ones with a desk attached." said Dr. Lisa Connors.

"It would be nice to say that Tristen will be missed by everyone, but since the funeral my class has been so quiet and cooperative!"

The funeral was primarily attended by other annoying students.

"Tristen was a student with a gift-" stated Fr. Gregory, pastor of Our Lady of Perpetual Perpetuity.

"Not really" interrupted one student "I'm twice as irrelevant on 67% more issues on a far more regular basis"

"Well, Tristen was a good man." replied Fr. Gregory, starting again.

"Oh no he wasn't. He once charged me $2.00 for a carton of chocolate milk which should have only cost $1.93 back in Gr. 6." said student Anna Waltsburg.

"It was at this point that I ended the funeral," Fr. Gregory later said.

"A funeral can only accomplish so much for a soul. I think Tristen and these other students require more prayers to save their souls. However, none of these prayers will be coming from me!" finished the visibly distraught cleric.

Student Reporters Escape Turkish Prison; Fight Bear

CHARLOTTETOWN- Last week two beloved student reporters escaped from a prison in Istanbul, formerly Constantinople, sparking a daring adventure of liberty and spontaneity. While diplomatic relations between the countries of Turkey and UPEI have been stressed, Simon Kraut, the UPEI diplomat to Turkey has stated that this strain is "really not that big of a deal" and "things were worse when I started my greeting to the Turkish government with 'Gobble gobble gobble.'"

Student Reporter and Adjunct Vice Assistant Editor were originally arrested in August for attempting what has come to be known as the great diamond heist of summer 2010. The duo managed to elude police for tens of minutes before finally being arrested. A brief trial in September found them guilty, and the two were held in a maximum security prison in solitary confinement before finally escaping on October 6th, 2010.

After joining a travelling circus as conjoined twins, the reporters attempted to make their way

back the nation of UPEI. In Nebraska, the reporters were exposed as not being conjoined twins at all and were forced to abandon the circus and hike to UPEI.

“It was a tough and dangerous road. We even had to go days without luxuries like Spray-Cheez or the Spice Girls,” recanted Student Reporter in his memoirs.

“We walked for days, making our way along the east coast, eating dirt to survive. I once had to

sharpen a stick with another stick to hunt for chocolate milk. Looking back at how rough it was to survive in Wal-Mart, I really do miss their friendly customer service.”

After arriving onto the Confederation Bridge, the reporters encountered a wild bear who had stalked them from Istanbul.

“Bear spies have been a traditional method of criminal apprehension in Turkey,” said Kraut. “It was only recently that we realized that they were still being employed by the Turkish government. I was pretty sure they were banned by the Geneva Convention or some shit like that. They’re nasty little buggers.”

The reporters fought with the bear for two days before finally bribing it with a fresh salmon to leave them alone. One passerby was able to take a photograph of the struggle.

After returning to their motherland of UPEI, the reporters were apprehended for the barter of salmon, which is expressly forbidden by UPEIesian law. They were sentenced to serve another year at STUDENT GAZETTE 2.0: Truth Upgraded for their crimes against humanity and bearity.

Students Propose Alternative Energy Source; Textbooks

CHARLOTTETOWN- UPEI students are on the cutting edge of alternative fuels since the unveiling of a new alternative fuel source.

"Textbooks alone have the potential to heat thousands of homes." said one student researcher.

"In fact, with only my intro to physics book, I was easily able to cook a meal for myself and friends. Also it adds a nice 'sciencey' taste to the meat."

Following the completion of exams, numerous students have tried this alternative fuel. Many have noted the fuel to provide astonishing levels of satisfaction.

"After we finished our nutrition final, my friends and I burned our books." said Alison MacPhee, a fourth year student.

"We cooked marshmallows over the bonfire, for irony, you know?"

"Take that Thermodynamics and Statistical Analysis volume 1!" shouted one happy student.

While textbook fuels are believed to produce 400 kilojoules of rage against 'the Man', critics have argued that the fuel is too inefficient, citing the $150 to 20 minutes of burning most books produce.

UPEI Uses Tactical Final Examinations Upon Student Nation

CHARLOTTETOWN- In response to the students' defiling of university soil, UPEI has declared a 'War on Error'. UPEI recently mobilized its professors, calling for a direct assault, leaving students in a state of 'shock and awe'.

"Up until today, simply anyone has been able to cross into our university. As of now, we are requiring proof of ID and stringent checks." said UPEI President, Wade MacLauchlan.

"We cannot cut and run anymore, we've decided to unleash the big guns, final examinations."

Numerous students are decrying the preemptive use of exams as 'horrid' and 'in violation of international legislation'. Professors have responded by saying that the students who complain of such violations are poli-sci students; these receive essays instead of final examinations anyways.

"I was in the library one day and I heard this shaking, I knew something was happening" described one helpless first year.

"I saw a bio major reading his textbook shortly after, I'm pretty sure his head exploded, it was horrifying. Then I saw a girl and she was saying 'the ideal gas constant is 8.314 joules per mole kelvin' over and over again."

"There will be casualties on both sides." said UPEI Vice-President, Richard Cheney.

"But we must fight on and remember who these students are, they hate us for our freedom."