CHARLOTTETOWN- Last week two beloved student reporters escaped from a prison in Istanbul, formerly Constantinople, sparking a daring adventure of liberty and spontaneity. While diplomatic relations between the countries of Turkey and UPEI have been stressed, Simon Kraut, the UPEI diplomat to Turkey has stated that this strain is "really not that big of a deal" and "things were worse when I started my greeting to the Turkish government with 'Gobble gobble gobble.'"
Student Reporter and Adjunct Vice Assistant Editor were originally arrested in August for attempting what has come to be known as the great diamond heist of summer 2010. The duo managed to elude police for tens of minutes before finally being arrested. A brief trial in September found them guilty, and the two were held in a maximum security prison in solitary confinement before finally escaping on October 6th, 2010.
After joining a travelling circus as conjoined twins, the reporters attempted to make their way
back the nation of UPEI. In Nebraska, the reporters were exposed as not being conjoined twins at all and were forced to abandon the circus and hike to UPEI.
“It was a tough and dangerous road. We even had to go days without luxuries like Spray-Cheez or the Spice Girls,” recanted Student Reporter in his memoirs.
“We walked for days, making our way along the east coast, eating dirt to survive. I once had to
sharpen a stick with another stick to hunt for chocolate milk. Looking back at how rough it was to survive in Wal-Mart, I really do miss their friendly customer service.”
After arriving onto the Confederation Bridge, the reporters encountered a wild bear who had stalked them from Istanbul.
“Bear spies have been a traditional method of criminal apprehension in Turkey,” said Kraut. “It was only recently that we realized that they were still being employed by the Turkish government. I was pretty sure they were banned by the Geneva Convention or some shit like that. They’re nasty little buggers.”
The reporters fought with the bear for two days before finally bribing it with a fresh salmon to leave them alone. One passerby was able to take a photograph of the struggle.
After returning to their motherland of UPEI, the reporters were apprehended for the barter of salmon, which is expressly forbidden by UPEIesian law. They were sentenced to serve another year at STUDENT GAZETTE 2.0: Truth Upgraded for their crimes against humanity and bearity.
