UPEI— Following a leaked diplomatic cable between Zuckerberg and UPEI, Facebook, the popular social networking site has been revealed to be Mark Zuckerberg’s plot to ruin the lives of university students as a result of his own bullying in Harvard.
“The plan was simple, I was going to make an addicting website that would distract students, kill productivity, result in widespread failure and eventually destroy the future careers of university students everywhere” said Zuckerberg.
“The hardest part was making Facebook into something addictive. So I called up my friend Eduardo to come up with the Facebook formula. So we scored some coke, rolled a USB stick in it and then plugged it into the computer and uploaded it onto the internet. The result was Facebook.”
Facebook has long been renowned for its addictive qualities, with as much as 40% of users spending 35 or more hours on Facebook per day. This number has been shown to increase during the exam period where most students find themselves needing to stare at their Facebook newsfeed or creep photos of that dick from work for even longer periods of time.
“Whenever we feel that Facebook is starting to lose its addictive or annoying qualities, we release either an update or a new Zynga game.”
One aggravated user shouted at Zuckerberg during the press release, decrying Zuckerberg as a nerd.
“Oh yeah? Well I Facebooked your mom, then I poked her. Now we’re in a relationship. And you know what? It’s complicated!” mocked the visibly sinister Facebook CEO.
“Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!” retorted the user before being removed from the venue by Zuckerberg’s personal army.
Zuckerberg later went on to announce that he’ll be appearing in Christopher Nolan’s the Dark Knight Rises.
“This will be the second movie that I’ve played a villain in,” he explained.
After concluding the press release another disgruntled user called Zuckerberg soulless. After hearing the insult Zuckerberg turned over his shoulder, “why yes, I’ve been ginger my whole life.”
