Facebook revealed to be Zuckerberg’s revenge on university students

UPEI— Following a leaked diplomatic cable between Zuckerberg and UPEI, Facebook, the popular social networking site has been revealed to be Mark Zuckerberg’s plot to ruin the lives of university students as a result of his own bullying in Harvard.

“The plan was simple, I was going to make an addicting website that would distract students, kill productivity, result in widespread failure and eventually destroy the future careers of university students everywhere” said Zuckerberg.

“The hardest part was making Facebook into something addictive. So I called up my friend Eduardo to come up with the Facebook formula. So we scored some coke, rolled a USB stick in it and then plugged it into the computer and uploaded it onto the internet. The result was Facebook.”

Facebook has long been renowned for its addictive qualities, with as much as 40% of users spending 35 or more hours on Facebook per day. This number has been shown to increase during the exam period where most students find themselves needing to stare at their Facebook newsfeed or creep photos of that dick from work for even longer periods of time.

“Whenever we feel that Facebook is starting to lose its addictive or annoying qualities, we release either an update or a new Zynga game.”

One aggravated user shouted at Zuckerberg during the press release, decrying Zuckerberg as a nerd.

“Oh yeah? Well I Facebooked your mom, then I poked her. Now we’re in a relationship. And you know what? It’s complicated!” mocked the visibly sinister Facebook CEO.

“Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!” retorted the user before being removed from the venue by Zuckerberg’s personal army.

Zuckerberg later went on to announce that he’ll be appearing in Christopher Nolan’s the Dark Knight Rises.

“This will be the second movie that I’ve played a villain in,” he explained.

After concluding the press release another disgruntled user called Zuckerberg soulless. After hearing the insult Zuckerberg turned over his shoulder, “why yes, I’ve been ginger my whole life.”

God accused of sponsorship scandal and negligence during 2011 NFL season

SOMEWHERE WHERE FOOTBALL IS PLAYED- God has announced a press meeting to clarify his position during the 2011 NFL season. The meeting was announced when Janice MacGregor received a message from God on a piece of toast.

“I know some of you are wondering what’s been going on lately,” spoke the Morgan-Freeman-voiced cloud before taking a moment to adjust the microphone.

“There have been numerous famines, floods, wars, crimes throughout the world. Let alone that fiasco in Rome. I know many of my fans are wondering “Where the hell is God in all this?” and I want them to know that I was busy and I’m sorry, but I was in Denver. You see, there’s this one guy, Timmy, and Timmy’s been really good this year and all he wants to do is win some football games, so I’ve been helping him out there.”

God signed on as a general manager with the Broncos on October 23^rd, coinciding with the decision to put the Christian as the starting quarterback.

Since their partnership, Tebow has managed to tie with Peyton Manning for 4^th quarter come-from-behind victories.

“Ya know what? The kid’s got faith, every point scored and he’s Tebowing to me. It’s not exactly slaughtering a fatted calf, or even burning a pigeon, but a deity can only ask for so much these days” spoke the almighty cloud.

The next game will be one for the history books as the Broncos take on the Patriots, putting God on the opposing side of America for the first time since its inception in 1776.

“I believed in a god that stood behind good ol’ American patriotism. Now the big guy has a choice, he can support some kid or he can support America” said senator Susan Collins.

“And provided that the Patriots do not win, I’ve written a proposal to finally remove ‘In God We Trust’ from our money.”

UPEI introduces new degree of great fictional ideas

UPEI— UPEI has opened up registration for its latest major, great fictional ideas. Students in the program will learn about the greatest ideas to have taken place in a purely fictional environment.

“Good morning students!” said Dr. John Keating, “What are you doing? Why are you sitting at your desks!? Up! Up on your desks! SEIZE THE DAY!” before starting the “lecture” for Carpe Diem 102, Intro to Dead Poets Society.

The degree features courses such as the GFI 203 the Inclusive Castle, overcoming racism in Middle-Earth; GFI 405 Defence Against the Dark Arts; GFI 401 Political Sciences of Barn Yard Animals and GFI 302/History 302 Scottish Monarchs from Duncan to Malcolm.

Students in this program will not be assessed in traditional manners such as a percentage based score, or letter grades or even pass/fail. Students will receive their degree after being assessed on their capacity to be, finally receiving their degree once they realize that it is a meaningless paper and that it is the finer things in life that matter, like the sun glimmering off stones, or the way that your cat communicates with you with its eyes and soul.

“We encourage all students to take GFI 223 Potions with Snape,” said Dr. Took “’cause when you find out how much money you’ve spent on a degree in great fictional ideas, you’ll want to mix up a potion or two for yourself.”

The courses will focus on popular fictional characters, such as Frodo Baggins, Matilda, Lady Macbeth, Robin Williams in nearly every movie he appears in and Nobel Peace Prize recipient Barack Obama.

Many students were baffled by the announcement, many believing that UPEI already had a religious studies degree.

New nursing building completed just in time for demolition

UPEI— UPEI President Abd-El-Aziz formally opened the new nursing building Thursday, just hours before the building was set to be demolished in favour of a more modern nursing building.

“This building was at the forefront of the field, breaking boundaries and raising new standards of nursing. Well, it was until September, so we’re going to give you a new one.”

Scores of nursing and neglected food and nutrition students were shocked at the announcement, but remained hopeful that this newer building will be completed before they graduate.

The building, never actually named, was open for a twenty minute tour in which students could marvel at the wonderfully crafted classrooms, brimming with the almost cutting edge of technology. The bold building was trimmed with glass and red brick, the sun shimmering through the glass at just the correct angle to pass through the vitreous humor, arouse the optic nerve and bring more than one nursing student to openly weep.

The tour was ended by construction workers holding sledgehammers. The demolition began with a moving fragment poem spoken by one of the workers.

“Let’s bring this bitch down.”

When asked why UPEI would open and close a building, seemingly just to taunt the students, Mrs. Florence Hunter, building administrator for the new new nursing building, made harsh eye contact before saying: “The students must always remember, the good university giveth, and the good university taketh away.”

Correction Notices: Friday October 28th, 2011

The Student Gazette 3.0 would like to apologize for the following:

Timothy MacFarlane is not actually a bassoonist but in fact plays second violin, we apologize for shaming his family by telling our readers that he had role of significance in the orchestra.

Wakelin "Fitz Cat" James is not actually a millionaire but in fact is unemployed and collecting welfare. We made the assumption after James purchased a Rolls Royce in cash.

Glenneth Dehorwitz is not actually the president of Lichtenstein, he is in fact a dead Austrian man who has never been to Lichtenstein. We were confused when Dehorwitz seemed much more lively than current the president.

The Canadian Space Agency did not land on the moon and visit the Russian moonbase. No Canadian has actually landed on the moon, nor is there a Russian moonbase or a Canadian Space Agency.

George W. Bush is actually not a famous rock star, nor did he die at the age of 27. He is actually a former president of the United States. He is also still alive.

We would like to take this time to thank our readers as we pledge to stay committed to giving you the very best of the truth.

Obama announces “Don’t freak out guys, but the money is gone.”

WASHINGTON— A visibly shaken Barack Obama addressed the nation today on a televised broadcast. “Hey guys, it’s been a while since we talked. I know we said we’d work on communication, but things got busy. But let’s cut the bull.”

The 50 year old adjusted his collar, making eye contact with the camera briefly before letting his gaze drop back down to his hand scrawled notes. He let out a deep breath before starting again. “Now listen for a sec, don’t freak out guys, but the money is gone.”

The president stood there in silence, letting the audience at home collect themselves. He looked back up, his brow furrowed. “Now I know what you’re thinking, I know what you’re thinking. Barry, I had $43.24 in my piggy bank. It’s gone. We needed that new car.”

The president turned to face camera two. “Or that $234.98 wedged between the mattresses for emergencies, we took that too. We’re spending $700 billion for a military. Let alone $13 trillion on other stuff. Then there’s the Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security and Sasha and Malia need their private school tuition paid too. What I’m saying is this: we took the $234.98 wedged between mattresses too.”

“I know we agreed to cut back and I said that I would get a second job. But $1.39 in cuts wasn’t enough to stop that and Olive Garden isn’t paying like it used to.”

“Now I’m not saying that Santa isn’t going to come to the United States this year, but I am saying that his sleigh is probably going to be a little bit lighter this time around.” Obama, master of charisma, turned to the first camera. “Joey, stop your sniffling, it’s going to be okay.”

“I’ve talked to Michelle, and we think we worked out our plan. Don’t worry, we’re not moving back in with England. It’s much simpler than that. Success is nearly guaranteed.” He said, bringing back the ol’ Obama/Biden smile of ’08.

“We’re invading Canada.”

UPEI uproots parking lot to construct new building to combat parking issues

CHARLOTTETOWN— UPEI has formally announced its plan to construct a new Faculty of Transportation and Statistics building. This plan will coincide with the creation of the new degree of transportation. The building will be one of the largest buildings on campus, requiring the utter destruction of one of UPEI’s parking lots.

The Faculty of Transportation and Statistics building will contain seven state of the art classrooms that will likely never be used’ it will also only house one faculty member, who will never be teaching inside of the building. Dr. Jamie Larson, a doctorate of Transportation and Statistics with a speciality in parking, introduced the primary research of the new department.

“The primary goal of my research will be proposing solutions to parking congestion. This means that every couple weeks I’ll tell them to raise the cost of parking meters and then reward myself with a Dr. Pepper and a scratch ticket.”

In the past, students have parked in the Superstore parking lot, as well as the Farmer’s Market parking lot in order to guarantee parking. UPEI has since expressed interests in procuring these parking lots and utilizing the land for ‘green space’. This purchase would not be set up to offset the carbon emissions of the campus, but instead just to fuck with the students.

“UPEI could really just pave some land, or construct a parking facility, but if it were really that simple, I probably wouldn’t have the gambling addiction that I have now thanks to those lotto tickets.” said Dr. Larson.

UPEI has also announced plans to hire Stephen Harper’s budget cutting advisors to help reduce the burden of tuition on students. A plan that will result in a near doubling of tuition.

City cures downtown horse tour traffic woes by reinstating 1911 ban on private automobiles

CHARLOTTETOWN— Islanders who have been having difficulty travelling downtown because of the local horse and carriage tours, are going to feel a great sense of relief now that the municipal government has finally come to the decision to reinstate the 1911 ban against horseless carriages.

The ban has been well received by the horse tour cabbies as well as locally-grown organic psychopath Sharon Labchuk.

The city has not abandoned its platform for public transportation and will be replacing the bus engines with a two horse team, each horse providing one horse power.

The implementation of the ban will open up new job opportunities such as shit-shovelling and horse grooming. It will also lead to a loss of significantly more jobs.

One council member stated “the passing of this law is a slap in the face to wait times at the DMV; we’ll next be looking at cutting down on ER wait times by outlawing the practising of medicine.”

After signing the bill into law mayor Clifford Lee loudly proclaimed “Now father will have to buy me a fucking pony for Christmas” before standing up and punching councillor Mitch Tweel in the face and leaving city hall.

Senator says US pulling out is barbaric, proposes military condom instead

WASHINGTON—Military procedure is often at the centre of controversy, but Sen. Ivan Humes (D-Michigan) has introduced a military reform bill that has once again stirred the pot.

Following the lengthy debate of whether the military had ought to pull out or stay the course, Humes has proposed a new solution to the problem, a military condom. DARPA has unveiled a theoretical military condom, available in stealth black, forest and desert camo and is large enough for an entire B-2 stealth bomber (though different sized condoms will be available for tanks, jet fighters and battleships).

The condom is advertised as being an excellent means for keeping military equipment clean while going through the bush as well.

The religious right have found themselves at odds with the military condom citing the condoms tendency to break when firing $5 million missiles into the opposing foreign regions. Some hippies have proposed military abstinence, this response was quickly silenced when Republican senator and former Sergeant Jonathon Morris (R-Arkansas) pulled an automatic assault rifle from his wife’s purse, waving it in the air and shooting holes into the wall while former Corporal Thomas Murdock (D-Idaho) performed his rendition of Drowning Pool’s “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor”.

In awe of how bitching the military is, the bill passed unanimously with 22 votes in favour with none opposed. However, 78 senators abstained after fleeing from Morris’ volley of bullets.

DARPA has announced that the condom will be manufactured by Trojan, individually packaged at a cost of $7.8 million each. DARPA has also stated that the condoms will be ribbed for their pleasure.

Republican senator Dean Mitchell (R-Delaware) has subsequently proposed the creation of a military wallet to house the condom until it is ready for deployment.

BREAKING: Leaked conversation further implicates Kate McKenna to be Secret UPEI Underlord

The following in an undoctored (but possibly surgeoned) screen capture of discussion between VPA hopeful O'Brien and Cadre Mobster Connor Simpson:

Draw your own conclusions (with crayons), but either way, buy PCs and wear tinfoil hats.