Room KCI 128 Frozen in Time

EXTRATEMPORAL VORTEX- In a turn of events still not entirely understood, room 128 of the Kenneth Colin Irving Chemistry Center has become frozen in time, during Malthus Osmodeus' Intermediate Calculus II. This strange phenomenon has many scientists puzzled, and many students bored.

Despite the incredible nature of this event, not all scientists are worried.

"It's not really anything to worry about." stated Darryl Osburn, a physicist of some degree, "I mean, it is technically impossible. That, or physics as we know it is entirely wrong. It's also a paradox that destroys all common sense or reasoning. Still, we shouldn't take it too seriously."

Osburn was also quick to reassure that the rest of the Universe should still behave normally.

Others, such as Lisa Colburn, a popular science-fiction author, are emphasizing the positive implications of the time-freeze.

"I mean, think about it. What could cause this? Maybe it's a future civilization attempting to break through the restraints of time. If that's true, maybe sometime we'll be able to break the very laws of nature and go back in time to slap our past selves for making such stupid decisions. Think about the implications, here."

A few students have escaped the room. Jerkles Monnahan is among them.

"At first I didn't notice. I mean, Dr. Osmodeus' class alway seems long, but he was really droning on today. Then I looked at the clock, and it wasn't moving. I knew then that the flow of time itself had stopped. Others gradually caught on, but nobody really knew what to do."

The escapees report that once Professor Osmodeus became aware of the situation, he decided to use it as an opportunity to teach all the material he could not include in the course due to time restraints.

"He said, 'Well, we're on page 67 of 1293. We might as well finish this thing.'. It was probably the scariest thing that's ever happened to me. I just hope the place returns to normal time by the time reading week's over. I wouldn't want to think of the poor students still in that room."

Among those who survived the temporary suspension of physics, most report being saved either by a sword-wielding frog with an Elizabethan speech pattern, or by a frazzled, absent-minded genius riding an 80's sports car.

Experts Recommended New, Upgraded P300x

RHODE ISLAND- After 48 years of perfection, Tony Horton is finally releasing his newest product: Power 300 Extreme, or P300X. The program began development when Horton met King Leonidas, ruler of Sparta.

"The P300X is the best exercise available on the market that won't kill you. Well, there's a 85% chance that you'll shred your lungs trying to complete the exercises, but if you do complete them, hot damn." exclaimed fitness guru Tony Horton.

"P300X consists of 300 days of unique work outs using a variety of equipment. For example, on day five you have to climb up a wall of bodies that you killed and stacked on day four. If you survive until the end and you're not pleased with the results, I'll gladly visit you and kick your ass, you sorry scumbag."

"GYYAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGHH!" added Leonidas.

"The P300X will craft your body like a Spartan warrior, providing chiseled legs, raw abs and an avoidance for clothing." said Tony Horton.

"Tonight, dine on post-exercise drinks!" cheered Leonidas.

Reviews have been very positive so far. Three of out five reviewers recommended the program. The other two were killed in combat. 

IBM to Introduce New Line of "Impersonal Computers"

MINNESOTA- IBM has announced a new model of computer, the XPR Impersonal Computer, the first computer designed to be as user unfriendly as possible.

"The XPR is a brand new take on computers. We're fully aware that technology exists to make us as uncomfortable as possible. The XPR features many new and exciting features." said Julia Marroon, IBM Sales Representative.

"Right now, the XPR will be one of the only computers to not carry a hard drive or other long term storage device, making it impossible to store any data. We've also added an electric shocking mechanism underneath the keyboard, allowing the XPR to shock you with up to 455 V any time you piss it off"

Beta testers have been pleased with the model so far. "I've never been so angry at a machine in my life," said Rodney Stuart. "It's absolutely thrilling, I've been enjoying the vague or unhelpful error messages."

"We've taken computer failure to a new level. Our programmers have allowed the XPR to use algorithms and heuristics to determine the significance of a program to the user and when to best initiate a computer crash. We're also keeping an eye on our competition. We've accidentally included an optical drive, which leaves us behind Apple's MacBook Air." reported Jimmy Alkon, lead developer.

As well as being internally problematic, the model will only support peripherals that use out-of-date or unfinished, prototypical ports.

"We've decided that PS/2 and VGA15 is really the way to go. Allowing our customers to use modern hardware would be far to convenient and clashes with our revolutionary business model." said Alkon, "Any and all peripherals will, naturally, not be included. Each computer will also be delivered with mis-matched power cords and supplies. For example, 110V models will ship to France, 220V models will to Mexico."

Although no official decisions have been made, IBM has assured customers that correct replacement cables will be available with great difficulty and at a prohibitive cost.

The estimated cost of the machine will be $10,000 for the cheapest model, a core system which will be shipped unassembled along with a vague assembly manual written in Aramaic and Klingon.

Student Awarded Scholarship for Extraordinary Mediocrity

CHARLOTTETOWN- Tyler Alton is your regular student, spending more time on Facebook than on schoolwork and maintaining a perfect 70%. That's why Tyler has been awarded the Irving Award for Outstanding Mediocrity.

"Mr. Alton has maintained average grades since seventh grade, all of his achievements have been lackluster and he's rather dull socially." reported Gene Wheeler, president of the Mediocrity Society of Canada.

"I think they gave me some money. There wasn't, like, an award show or anything. Just, like, a box with an envelope or something, you know?" said the melancholy award recipient. 

"Tyler's normalcy has always been an important part of our family life." said Tyler's mother, Emma Alton, "We tell our kids to try until it gets too hard. That's when we let them give up. It's important to realize that you have limitations, and that sometimes those limitations lie at the top of the bell curve."

"Yeah, I guess my life isn't really exciting." commented Tyler, "I just wake up and do stuff and go back to sleep and do it again. Like, the same stuff but different days. Except there are seven. But you know what I mean."

"Tyler wasn't always normal. There was a change back in 2001." recalled Mrs. Alton. "Once we told him that Mr. Dressup had died, we knew our son had changed."

Peter Mansbridge Announces Entry into Canada's Next Top Model

TORONTO- Today, Peter Mansbridge has announced that he will compete with other hot young models for the chance to be on top.

"This is a moment of great relief for me," announced Mansbridge at a press conference. "I've been wanting to compete since I first watched Canada's Next Top Model in '06. Also, Tyra's my hero" added the beaming news anchor.

Mansbridge was accepted as the 6th of 10 contestants and has already shown to be popular among Canadians.

"On many occasions, Peter has been away from the nightly broadcasts of The National. We all knew that he was modelling on the side, but recognized that he would talk about it when he was ready. We're all rooting for him and we know that he'll go and work those pale legs of his." said Ian Hanomansing, a fellow reporter and would-be model.

"It's nice to have such an A-list celebrity on the show this year. To respond, we're ramping up the competitions and the pressure." said judge Jay Manuel. "Mr. Mansbridge will do well for the photo shoots, but he'll also have to defend the arctic circle from the Reds. That's right, we're having a northern sovereignty special!"

Not all responses have been so kind. Some bloggers have lashed out against Mansbridge for copycatting, a trait becoming more and more prevalent in the news world.

"Really, I think he's trying to steal Keith Olbermann's thunder. Olbermann won The World's Prettiest Asshole competition in January. He should have some time to shine." said celebrity news blogger Maria Travolte.

President Wade MacLaughlan To Go on Picnic; To Bring Bananas

CHARLOTTETOWN- Earlier today, UPEI President Wade MacLaughlan called a meeting to discuss an important issue. "I am going on a picnic," proclaimed the UPEI president, "and I am bringing bananas."

After a short bout of confusion, the gathered administration inquired if they would be permitted to bring apples. The head of the University then addressed the proposal, noting that apples were not allowed at the picnic.

After flipping through his notes, Dr. Alfred Manners announced, "I would like to join the administration on this picnic and I offer to bring chicken nuggets." After being informed that chicken nuggets were most welcome at the event, Dr. Manners squealed with glee.

"I am going on a picnic," restated Mr. MacLaughlan "and I am bringing noodles." After an improvisational moment of silence, numerous faculty members began to record the ingredients for the picnic.

"I am going to bring macaroni. Is macaroni allowed at this picnic?" questioned administrator Barbra Matthews. The president approved the motion of bringing macaroni to the picnic. "What about spaghetti?" asked Joseph Mark.

"Spaghetti is not allowed, sorry," apologized Mr. MacLaughlan.

After the meeting was adjourned, Mr. Mark had this to say: "How can we have noodles and not spaghetti? The last time I checked spaghetti was a noodle. The man is a fool! A damned fool!"

Stephen Harper Makes Perogies

OTTAWA- Several weeks ago, Prime Minister Harper announced his intent to cook perogies for everyone in parliament. In what he is calling a huge misunderstanding, many are now accusing him of shutting down parliament.

When the question of serving perogies to parliament came up during question period, John Baird defended the Prime Minister.

"I don't know why the Liberal party is speaking down on the matter. I looked for some wisdom on the subject and found this: 'I love perogies, they're delicious.' Do you know who said that? The Leader of the Opposition!"

Gilles Duceppe is also in favor the Prime Minister's offer. 

"We will only accept the perogies if the Prime Minister recognizes the sovereignty of Quebec and as a result gives us two servings." he said, in impeccable English.

Some say that he is abusing his power, putting his personal desires, and his appetite, before his responsibility to his country.

"It's ridiculous!" claimed Wayne Murphy, MP of Some Shitty Island, "Democracy is being suspended, government is no longer accountable to its the very people who give it power. All this for what? Some potato-and-cream filled dumplings? The country should not stop because Stephen Harper is in a culinary mood."

NDP Leader Jack Something has pushed for a motion of non-confidence in the cooking ability of the Prime Minister. "I'm not sure he'd be a good cook. Quite frankly, I don't trust the cooking prowess of a man who gives his son a handshake before school.  

This backlash hasn't changed Harper's mind. Recently, the Prime Minister stated that he still plans to pause from per-usual parliamentary proceedings to pursue his passion for preparing and presenting palatable provisions, particularly his personal preference, perogies. 

"I don't understand why people are so upset about it." he said, "I thought everyone liked perogies. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that. Some of my best friends are aperogivores."

Among members of his own party, Harper's decision has received more support. Gail Shea, Minister of Fisheries, is among the supporters.

"I hope there's a potluck. Steve can bring his perogies, I'll bring baklava for desert. We'll need a few people on the main course, too. Oh, I hope someone brings pie. I love pie."