Annoying Students Mourn Death of One of Their Own

CHARLOTTETOWN- On Wednesday, students who talk incessantly in class gathered to mourn Tristen Williams, a student who also commented incessantly in class.

Williams died at the age of 20 as a result of a riot after he retold the time he crocheted a Spock blanket after his parents abandoned him in an well and how this relates to the second derivative of an exponential graph.

Professors have reported that Williams has been the victim of bullying in the past.

"At first it started with dirty looks, one time he gave his opinion on basic addition and I threw a chair at him. A metal chair, the ones with a desk attached." said Dr. Lisa Connors.

"It would be nice to say that Tristen will be missed by everyone, but since the funeral my class has been so quiet and cooperative!"

The funeral was primarily attended by other annoying students.

"Tristen was a student with a gift-" stated Fr. Gregory, pastor of Our Lady of Perpetual Perpetuity.

"Not really" interrupted one student "I'm twice as irrelevant on 67% more issues on a far more regular basis"

"Well, Tristen was a good man." replied Fr. Gregory, starting again.

"Oh no he wasn't. He once charged me $2.00 for a carton of chocolate milk which should have only cost $1.93 back in Gr. 6." said student Anna Waltsburg.

"It was at this point that I ended the funeral," Fr. Gregory later said.

"A funeral can only accomplish so much for a soul. I think Tristen and these other students require more prayers to save their souls. However, none of these prayers will be coming from me!" finished the visibly distraught cleric.

Student Reporters Escape Turkish Prison; Fight Bear

CHARLOTTETOWN- Last week two beloved student reporters escaped from a prison in Istanbul, formerly Constantinople, sparking a daring adventure of liberty and spontaneity. While diplomatic relations between the countries of Turkey and UPEI have been stressed, Simon Kraut, the UPEI diplomat to Turkey has stated that this strain is "really not that big of a deal" and "things were worse when I started my greeting to the Turkish government with 'Gobble gobble gobble.'"

Student Reporter and Adjunct Vice Assistant Editor were originally arrested in August for attempting what has come to be known as the great diamond heist of summer 2010. The duo managed to elude police for tens of minutes before finally being arrested. A brief trial in September found them guilty, and the two were held in a maximum security prison in solitary confinement before finally escaping on October 6th, 2010.

After joining a travelling circus as conjoined twins, the reporters attempted to make their way

back the nation of UPEI. In Nebraska, the reporters were exposed as not being conjoined twins at all and were forced to abandon the circus and hike to UPEI.

“It was a tough and dangerous road. We even had to go days without luxuries like Spray-Cheez or the Spice Girls,” recanted Student Reporter in his memoirs.

“We walked for days, making our way along the east coast, eating dirt to survive. I once had to

sharpen a stick with another stick to hunt for chocolate milk. Looking back at how rough it was to survive in Wal-Mart, I really do miss their friendly customer service.”

After arriving onto the Confederation Bridge, the reporters encountered a wild bear who had stalked them from Istanbul.

“Bear spies have been a traditional method of criminal apprehension in Turkey,” said Kraut. “It was only recently that we realized that they were still being employed by the Turkish government. I was pretty sure they were banned by the Geneva Convention or some shit like that. They’re nasty little buggers.”

The reporters fought with the bear for two days before finally bribing it with a fresh salmon to leave them alone. One passerby was able to take a photograph of the struggle.

After returning to their motherland of UPEI, the reporters were apprehended for the barter of salmon, which is expressly forbidden by UPEIesian law. They were sentenced to serve another year at STUDENT GAZETTE 2.0: Truth Upgraded for their crimes against humanity and bearity.

Students Propose Alternative Energy Source; Textbooks

CHARLOTTETOWN- UPEI students are on the cutting edge of alternative fuels since the unveiling of a new alternative fuel source.

"Textbooks alone have the potential to heat thousands of homes." said one student researcher.

"In fact, with only my intro to physics book, I was easily able to cook a meal for myself and friends. Also it adds a nice 'sciencey' taste to the meat."

Following the completion of exams, numerous students have tried this alternative fuel. Many have noted the fuel to provide astonishing levels of satisfaction.

"After we finished our nutrition final, my friends and I burned our books." said Alison MacPhee, a fourth year student.

"We cooked marshmallows over the bonfire, for irony, you know?"

"Take that Thermodynamics and Statistical Analysis volume 1!" shouted one happy student.

While textbook fuels are believed to produce 400 kilojoules of rage against 'the Man', critics have argued that the fuel is too inefficient, citing the $150 to 20 minutes of burning most books produce.

UPEI Uses Tactical Final Examinations Upon Student Nation

CHARLOTTETOWN- In response to the students' defiling of university soil, UPEI has declared a 'War on Error'. UPEI recently mobilized its professors, calling for a direct assault, leaving students in a state of 'shock and awe'.

"Up until today, simply anyone has been able to cross into our university. As of now, we are requiring proof of ID and stringent checks." said UPEI President, Wade MacLauchlan.

"We cannot cut and run anymore, we've decided to unleash the big guns, final examinations."

Numerous students are decrying the preemptive use of exams as 'horrid' and 'in violation of international legislation'. Professors have responded by saying that the students who complain of such violations are poli-sci students; these receive essays instead of final examinations anyways.

"I was in the library one day and I heard this shaking, I knew something was happening" described one helpless first year.

"I saw a bio major reading his textbook shortly after, I'm pretty sure his head exploded, it was horrifying. Then I saw a girl and she was saying 'the ideal gas constant is 8.314 joules per mole kelvin' over and over again."

"There will be casualties on both sides." said UPEI Vice-President, Richard Cheney.

"But we must fight on and remember who these students are, they hate us for our freedom."

UPEI More Tolerant Than Ever; Elects White Males to Executive

CHARLOTTETOWN- UPEI has witnessed a massive step forward in tolerance this month with the election of three white men to the executive positions of UPEI. Many have praised UPEI for the election of a white president and co-vice president team.

"It really says a lot about a campus that is able to elect a white executive." said diversity expert James Thomas.

"It's shown that, despite being descended from poor immigrants, white people have established themselves in Canada."

However, some commentators are questioning the motivation behind voting.

"All I'm saying is that some voters may have jumped at the opportunity to be the historic group of voters who elected an all white executive." said Ron Merlot, host of UPEI's Generic Politics Show.

"Most of us are not aware of Livingstone's stance of UPEI mandated healthcare."

"I'm really proud of UPEI." said Ralph Mandell.

"They saw that there were people who were disadvantaged and took a chance to fix this wrong. I remember when I heard about the results and I was quite shocked, three executive positions with whites. Even the US only elected a white VP and I thought that was incredible. Really, I think it's great that there are some whites who are really stepping up."

UPEI has also announced that it will be introducing more money into its English As A First Language (EFL) program to increase a deeper tolerance within campus.

All Hail Rob, Glorious Leader, Savior of All

CHARLOTTETOWN- In a great act of humility and love for their leader, UPEI students chose to hold an exhibition election, re-electing President-for-Life, Rob Livingstone. Livingstone descended unto campus like a radiating star.

Livingstone originally took office in 1989 when, just after being born, he destroyed the great catfish that lived in the Hillsborough river. After this, the spirit for the First President appeared before Rob Livingstone, praising him for his incredible combat wisdom and post-secondary facility administrative skills.

It was after the great Rob Livingstone received the Mandate of Heaven that he defeated Tim Cullen, the horrible tyrant and patriarch of our ancestors, freeing us all from a future as university-ridden zombie mind slaves belonging to a disgraced house.

Upon his receiving of the throne that has belonged to our Glorious Leader since the day of his birth, the sky was ripped open and world peace rained upon UPEI. The grounds have since become fertile.

Everyone has agreed that Rob Livingstone, patron of a thousand level minds, is without doubt the perfect leader of our university.

"How could you even think about a UPEI without Rob Livingstone?" asked chairman Frykman.

"To question the glorious Livingstone is on the verge of treason and it is known to all that words of treason will turn to acid in the mouth of the treacherous and they shall be struck down by fire and ice at the same time. All Hail Rob! All glory to the President!"

Since the exhibition election, 340% of students have voted in favour of continuously singing praises to Rob to glorify his powerful deeds and to appease the wrath of our ancestors, who, by their death, are not limited to seeing Rob as only a person, but as the grand SU President they see beyond space and time.

Separatist Party Aspires For SU Majority Government

CHARLOTTETOWN- A new separatist party has announced that it has entered into the fray ofthe UPEI Student Union Elections. The Succeed to Secede party formed in order to voice the opinion of student separatists.

"We feel that PEI does not recognize the sovereignty of the nation of UPEI. We have been crucial to the well being of the Island and our rights as a nation have been ignored." said party president Ralph Connell.

"We believe that the nation of UPEI should separate from PEI because of our cultural differences."

The party has lobbied the Student Union in the past. Their most recent victory was the construction of fence along the PEI/UPEI western border.

"The fence has been of some success, but we would like to construct a larger wall with cameras to keep more Islanders from illegally entering our country." said Jean Rosslen, deputy leader of the Succeed to Secede party.

"We'll be making sure people are aware of our values and policies, which are quite simple: leave PEI. To make sure that the student body is aware of our party, we'll be hosting numerous events. This Friday in the CARI Centre, we will be hosting a rousing tournament of Duck, Duck, Separatist. On Saturday it'll be Sundaes for Sovereignty, and on Monday we will hold the first ever Prince Edward Island flag burning day."

Not all party members are so optimistic.

"I don't know if we'd actually separate," stated backbencher Michael Dow.

"I know it would be nice, but really we really like sucking the government for money. Of course, this may just be part of our national identity."

Students Still Struggling With Hook-up Know-How; Clock Remains Best Hook-up Spot

CHARLOTTETOWN- A recent study has unveiled a serious lack of hook-up knowledge on UPEI. The survey questioned students about their favourite spot to hook-up. While numerous students consider themselves to be experts, few have shown promise.

"We were saddened when we found out that no students had mentioned the top of the clock as the best hook-up spot" said a visibly disturbed Rob Schneider, PEI's leading relationship guru.

"When two students are very fond of each other and desire to take the next step in their relationship, it shouldn't be a step towards the basement of a basementless building. It should be toward the top of the clock!"

Not all hope is lost for students hoping to get their mack on. Some, such as Sarah Williams, recognize the importance of on-clock makeout sessions.

"When you see someone climbing the clock with a special friend, you know that they have a well-stocked refrigerator" said Williams.

"The tradition of getting one's freak on at the clock has been around since we received the clock, like, forever ago." said relationologist Jonathan Botswan, "Well, it feels like forever if you've been there as much as I have."

Though the clock has only been on campus for a short period of time, it received the attention of students during the infamous Betty/Jerry fiasco.

"It's sad that students don't know enough about the clock. I'm actually starting my own clock information session." reported Botswan, "I'm always available for meeting for an education session about the clock. You bring the ladder, I'll bring the sexy"

Charlottetown Increases Parking Fees to Fund New Program to Curb Parking Problems

CHARLOTTEOWN- Charlottetown lawmakers have recently announced an increase in the cost of parking meters and parking fines in downtown Charlottetown. The increase is meant to curb parking violations in the area. Legislators have stated that the revenue will go towards Project Icarus, a program to develop personal jetpacks to downsize the amount of space needed to park. 

"Project Icarus should have Charlottetownians taking to the skies by early 2013 and will cost residents approximately eleventy billion dollars," said Mayor Clifford Lee. "The cost of the project seems high, but we'll be paying for the program only through the revenue we receive from the meters and the parking infractions."

The controversial changes have been put into effect as of Monday and include: a meter rate of $500 per hour, a $10,000 fine on parking violations, an additional $5,000 dollar fine if the vehicle in violation has an even number of wheels, and a "no parking period" of 12:03 pm until 12:05 pm, during which any vehicle found parking in the city can face an arbitrary fine of $65,000. 

"With the expected revenue made, we'll be flying around Charlottetown in no time." said head of research, Janet Frack. 

Upon completion of Project Icarus, the municipal government will provide each Islander with their own rocket pack. The proposed model is a two stroke engine rocket which is fueled by diesel and the blood of innocents.

While some critics of Project Icarus have stated that the parking problem could be fixed through carpools, numerous Islanders have protested.

"I already have to sit across from Kevin for seven hours each day, constantly reminded of the company beach party and his ridiculous speedo. I don't want to have to witness that sight every morning." said Lawrence Howler.

"The man has chest hair like a beaver, an oily beaver. It was bad enough being in the same ocean as Kevin, but I'm definitely not getting into the same pool as the man."

Room KCI 128 Frozen in Time

EXTRATEMPORAL VORTEX- In a turn of events still not entirely understood, room 128 of the Kenneth Colin Irving Chemistry Center has become frozen in time, during Malthus Osmodeus' Intermediate Calculus II. This strange phenomenon has many scientists puzzled, and many students bored.

Despite the incredible nature of this event, not all scientists are worried.

"It's not really anything to worry about." stated Darryl Osburn, a physicist of some degree, "I mean, it is technically impossible. That, or physics as we know it is entirely wrong. It's also a paradox that destroys all common sense or reasoning. Still, we shouldn't take it too seriously."

Osburn was also quick to reassure that the rest of the Universe should still behave normally.

Others, such as Lisa Colburn, a popular science-fiction author, are emphasizing the positive implications of the time-freeze.

"I mean, think about it. What could cause this? Maybe it's a future civilization attempting to break through the restraints of time. If that's true, maybe sometime we'll be able to break the very laws of nature and go back in time to slap our past selves for making such stupid decisions. Think about the implications, here."

A few students have escaped the room. Jerkles Monnahan is among them.

"At first I didn't notice. I mean, Dr. Osmodeus' class alway seems long, but he was really droning on today. Then I looked at the clock, and it wasn't moving. I knew then that the flow of time itself had stopped. Others gradually caught on, but nobody really knew what to do."

The escapees report that once Professor Osmodeus became aware of the situation, he decided to use it as an opportunity to teach all the material he could not include in the course due to time restraints.

"He said, 'Well, we're on page 67 of 1293. We might as well finish this thing.'. It was probably the scariest thing that's ever happened to me. I just hope the place returns to normal time by the time reading week's over. I wouldn't want to think of the poor students still in that room."

Among those who survived the temporary suspension of physics, most report being saved either by a sword-wielding frog with an Elizabethan speech pattern, or by a frazzled, absent-minded genius riding an 80's sports car.

Experts Recommended New, Upgraded P300x

RHODE ISLAND- After 48 years of perfection, Tony Horton is finally releasing his newest product: Power 300 Extreme, or P300X. The program began development when Horton met King Leonidas, ruler of Sparta.

"The P300X is the best exercise available on the market that won't kill you. Well, there's a 85% chance that you'll shred your lungs trying to complete the exercises, but if you do complete them, hot damn." exclaimed fitness guru Tony Horton.

"P300X consists of 300 days of unique work outs using a variety of equipment. For example, on day five you have to climb up a wall of bodies that you killed and stacked on day four. If you survive until the end and you're not pleased with the results, I'll gladly visit you and kick your ass, you sorry scumbag."

"GYYAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGHH!" added Leonidas.

"The P300X will craft your body like a Spartan warrior, providing chiseled legs, raw abs and an avoidance for clothing." said Tony Horton.

"Tonight, dine on post-exercise drinks!" cheered Leonidas.

Reviews have been very positive so far. Three of out five reviewers recommended the program. The other two were killed in combat. 

IBM to Introduce New Line of "Impersonal Computers"

MINNESOTA- IBM has announced a new model of computer, the XPR Impersonal Computer, the first computer designed to be as user unfriendly as possible.

"The XPR is a brand new take on computers. We're fully aware that technology exists to make us as uncomfortable as possible. The XPR features many new and exciting features." said Julia Marroon, IBM Sales Representative.

"Right now, the XPR will be one of the only computers to not carry a hard drive or other long term storage device, making it impossible to store any data. We've also added an electric shocking mechanism underneath the keyboard, allowing the XPR to shock you with up to 455 V any time you piss it off"

Beta testers have been pleased with the model so far. "I've never been so angry at a machine in my life," said Rodney Stuart. "It's absolutely thrilling, I've been enjoying the vague or unhelpful error messages."

"We've taken computer failure to a new level. Our programmers have allowed the XPR to use algorithms and heuristics to determine the significance of a program to the user and when to best initiate a computer crash. We're also keeping an eye on our competition. We've accidentally included an optical drive, which leaves us behind Apple's MacBook Air." reported Jimmy Alkon, lead developer.

As well as being internally problematic, the model will only support peripherals that use out-of-date or unfinished, prototypical ports.

"We've decided that PS/2 and VGA15 is really the way to go. Allowing our customers to use modern hardware would be far to convenient and clashes with our revolutionary business model." said Alkon, "Any and all peripherals will, naturally, not be included. Each computer will also be delivered with mis-matched power cords and supplies. For example, 110V models will ship to France, 220V models will to Mexico."

Although no official decisions have been made, IBM has assured customers that correct replacement cables will be available with great difficulty and at a prohibitive cost.

The estimated cost of the machine will be $10,000 for the cheapest model, a core system which will be shipped unassembled along with a vague assembly manual written in Aramaic and Klingon.

Student Awarded Scholarship for Extraordinary Mediocrity

CHARLOTTETOWN- Tyler Alton is your regular student, spending more time on Facebook than on schoolwork and maintaining a perfect 70%. That's why Tyler has been awarded the Irving Award for Outstanding Mediocrity.

"Mr. Alton has maintained average grades since seventh grade, all of his achievements have been lackluster and he's rather dull socially." reported Gene Wheeler, president of the Mediocrity Society of Canada.

"I think they gave me some money. There wasn't, like, an award show or anything. Just, like, a box with an envelope or something, you know?" said the melancholy award recipient. 

"Tyler's normalcy has always been an important part of our family life." said Tyler's mother, Emma Alton, "We tell our kids to try until it gets too hard. That's when we let them give up. It's important to realize that you have limitations, and that sometimes those limitations lie at the top of the bell curve."

"Yeah, I guess my life isn't really exciting." commented Tyler, "I just wake up and do stuff and go back to sleep and do it again. Like, the same stuff but different days. Except there are seven. But you know what I mean."

"Tyler wasn't always normal. There was a change back in 2001." recalled Mrs. Alton. "Once we told him that Mr. Dressup had died, we knew our son had changed."

Peter Mansbridge Announces Entry into Canada's Next Top Model

TORONTO- Today, Peter Mansbridge has announced that he will compete with other hot young models for the chance to be on top.

"This is a moment of great relief for me," announced Mansbridge at a press conference. "I've been wanting to compete since I first watched Canada's Next Top Model in '06. Also, Tyra's my hero" added the beaming news anchor.

Mansbridge was accepted as the 6th of 10 contestants and has already shown to be popular among Canadians.

"On many occasions, Peter has been away from the nightly broadcasts of The National. We all knew that he was modelling on the side, but recognized that he would talk about it when he was ready. We're all rooting for him and we know that he'll go and work those pale legs of his." said Ian Hanomansing, a fellow reporter and would-be model.

"It's nice to have such an A-list celebrity on the show this year. To respond, we're ramping up the competitions and the pressure." said judge Jay Manuel. "Mr. Mansbridge will do well for the photo shoots, but he'll also have to defend the arctic circle from the Reds. That's right, we're having a northern sovereignty special!"

Not all responses have been so kind. Some bloggers have lashed out against Mansbridge for copycatting, a trait becoming more and more prevalent in the news world.

"Really, I think he's trying to steal Keith Olbermann's thunder. Olbermann won The World's Prettiest Asshole competition in January. He should have some time to shine." said celebrity news blogger Maria Travolte.

President Wade MacLaughlan To Go on Picnic; To Bring Bananas

CHARLOTTETOWN- Earlier today, UPEI President Wade MacLaughlan called a meeting to discuss an important issue. "I am going on a picnic," proclaimed the UPEI president, "and I am bringing bananas."

After a short bout of confusion, the gathered administration inquired if they would be permitted to bring apples. The head of the University then addressed the proposal, noting that apples were not allowed at the picnic.

After flipping through his notes, Dr. Alfred Manners announced, "I would like to join the administration on this picnic and I offer to bring chicken nuggets." After being informed that chicken nuggets were most welcome at the event, Dr. Manners squealed with glee.

"I am going on a picnic," restated Mr. MacLaughlan "and I am bringing noodles." After an improvisational moment of silence, numerous faculty members began to record the ingredients for the picnic.

"I am going to bring macaroni. Is macaroni allowed at this picnic?" questioned administrator Barbra Matthews. The president approved the motion of bringing macaroni to the picnic. "What about spaghetti?" asked Joseph Mark.

"Spaghetti is not allowed, sorry," apologized Mr. MacLaughlan.

After the meeting was adjourned, Mr. Mark had this to say: "How can we have noodles and not spaghetti? The last time I checked spaghetti was a noodle. The man is a fool! A damned fool!"

Stephen Harper Makes Perogies

OTTAWA- Several weeks ago, Prime Minister Harper announced his intent to cook perogies for everyone in parliament. In what he is calling a huge misunderstanding, many are now accusing him of shutting down parliament.

When the question of serving perogies to parliament came up during question period, John Baird defended the Prime Minister.

"I don't know why the Liberal party is speaking down on the matter. I looked for some wisdom on the subject and found this: 'I love perogies, they're delicious.' Do you know who said that? The Leader of the Opposition!"

Gilles Duceppe is also in favor the Prime Minister's offer. 

"We will only accept the perogies if the Prime Minister recognizes the sovereignty of Quebec and as a result gives us two servings." he said, in impeccable English.

Some say that he is abusing his power, putting his personal desires, and his appetite, before his responsibility to his country.

"It's ridiculous!" claimed Wayne Murphy, MP of Some Shitty Island, "Democracy is being suspended, government is no longer accountable to its the very people who give it power. All this for what? Some potato-and-cream filled dumplings? The country should not stop because Stephen Harper is in a culinary mood."

NDP Leader Jack Something has pushed for a motion of non-confidence in the cooking ability of the Prime Minister. "I'm not sure he'd be a good cook. Quite frankly, I don't trust the cooking prowess of a man who gives his son a handshake before school.  

This backlash hasn't changed Harper's mind. Recently, the Prime Minister stated that he still plans to pause from per-usual parliamentary proceedings to pursue his passion for preparing and presenting palatable provisions, particularly his personal preference, perogies. 

"I don't understand why people are so upset about it." he said, "I thought everyone liked perogies. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that. Some of my best friends are aperogivores."

Among members of his own party, Harper's decision has received more support. Gail Shea, Minister of Fisheries, is among the supporters.

"I hope there's a potluck. Steve can bring his perogies, I'll bring baklava for desert. We'll need a few people on the main course, too. Oh, I hope someone brings pie. I love pie."

Many Students Still Unaware of Bachelor of Ninjitsu Degree

CHARLOTTETOWN- Despite the popularity of ninjitsu in modern times, very few students are enrolled in the Bachelor of Ninjistu program offered at UPEI. While the number of students enrolled in the program is impossible to estimate, reporters have been assured that there are more than enough ninja students to enforce Charlottetown's shadowy justice.

"Of course the admissions are low. If they were high, we wouldn't be ninjas, we would be nurses." said Master Shinobi Rabin Wu-long. "You need tact, skill, and lots of floss if you want to know the way of the ninja. You cannot be a ninja and have bad teeth!"

In 2006, the ninjistu faculty began running a large advertising program. The program included banners, posters, and public executions of the unlawful. "I was once invited to the UPEI ninja career expo," said student Nicholas Walker. "The only thing in the room was the body of a student who will not be born for another 36 years."

"It's hard to recruit students for the cause. Every student must be handpicked and groomed for many years. Our program requires thorough enrollment processes, unlike the pirate faculty." said Dr. Chi Xuan-Lin, referring to the Bachelor of Piracy program. The pirate program consists of only three courses: Grog Drinking (PIR 111), Advanced Grog Drinking (PIR 112) and the Philosophy of Scurvy (PIR 221). 

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M. Night Shyamalan Declared Next UPEI President

CHARLOTTETOWN- After over a decade as UPEI President, Wade MacLauchlan has announced that he is stepping down from his position, a position to be filled by MacLauchlan's heir, M. Night Shyamalan.

Shyamalan has already announced some plans for campus and his role as the lead director of the UPEI project. "There'll be lots of cameras. Different angles will bring more depth to the campus. I'll also be playing a minor role in campus life itself. Since my appearance in Lady in the Water, I've received a bad rap, so I'm thinking taking on a minor role, like a bio major."

"We're excited for Mr. Shyamalan's future on our campus," said Kathleen Murray, Director of Campus Development. "The man has produced nothing but crap since the Sixth Sense, so we figure that he's bound to have something good come out of him eventually."

"The first thing in store for campus is a new wall, a 20 foot tall barrier surrounding the campus," said the future President. "Then lots of smoke machines. You know, for effect."

"The administration and I have already entered into talks about what type of twist we'll have for the students. Currently I'm thinking that after a student graduates, they find out that campus is really in space."

Chicken Still Tasty

CHARLOTTETOWN- In what scientists are calling "the most interesting development in the brief history of chicken", regular consumers still list chicken as a "tasty" foodstuff. Various consumer digests report that the high concentration of deliciousness found in chicken is the primary source of its longevity in the food world.

After bursting onto the scene in late 2004, chicken has been blessed with a favourable view in the public's eye. Combating with global competitors such as bear meat and gorilla flesh, chicken has held its ground in the face of naysayers.

"I wasn't sure at first," says former doubter Thomas Jamieson "my friends kept pressuring me to try it. Really, I thought it was a new cigarette or something. When I put it in my mouth, the only flavor I could relate this to was chicken."

"Chicken's been pulling out all the stops," stated food connoisseur Jimmy Eaton. "I've been to supermarkets where they've been selling chicken pot pies, chicken with cheese in it. You'd think that we would have finally had enough but no, we love chicken."

Chicken has released a statement detailing the future release of "chicken fingers" and "chicken nuggets", neither of which can be found on a standard chicken.