Yellow Belt Most Bad*ss Mother F*cker on Campus

CHARLOTTETOWN- Tommy MacDonald, a yellow belt from Chun Fat's Dojo of Karate Excellence, is definitely the most badass person on campus. "Look at all these people, I could probably take them all on" he said, looking over the weaker members of the human race gathered in the cafeteria.

MacDonald's skill as a fighter increased greatly since being promoted to a yellow belt yesterday. "When I put on the yellow belt, it's a sign of power. I'm no longer a white belt like almost all of these suckers around me."

"There was this one time when I was fighting this white belt and I slaughtered him." Recanted MacDonald, calling to mind his recent fight with Jonathon Gallant which actually ended in a tie.

"I mean, check out this skill" MacDonald bragged as he set a plastic bottle on top of a bench before swiftly kicking and missing the target, "well, I'm wearing jeans today and those are hard to kick in and I'm not stretched but you can see the power in the kick."

"I bet that most of these people can't do a simple Apgoobi Ro Momtong Girogi, I mean look at this guy, he's big but I could take him for sure" he said unknowingly about Thomas Carlton, three times gold medal winner in the men's heavy weight Pan-American Muay Thai division.

World to End on December 31st 2009

CHARLOTTETOWN- Panic has struck the world with the realization that the end of the world is coming on the 31st of December. Researchers report that the date of 12/31/09 coincides with the end of the Western Calendar.

"Well, of course it's going to be the end of the world." said specialist Dave Whittaker. "There's really no bones about it, the Western Calendar ends on the 31st of December and from this we can expect the Battle of Armageddon to take place."

The Western Calender has been in use since the time of Julius Caesar, a man who did a lot of important things and was eventually killed.

"This may be some type of Roman curse, you know, ending the world immediately following Christmas" said Whittaker. "I won't get to play with my new Mastercraft drill, all because of a murder plot. Damn you Brutus! Damn you Cassius!"

"There'll probably be explosions and shit," said Dr. Marget Kissinger, a local expert, "maybe a few montages as homes are destroyed, and probably something really ironic too, like a glacier catching fire. The thing is that it's shocking. You look at the calendar, fully expecting to see January and bam, it's not there."

Some have pointed out that Armageddon is to be fully expected with the return of the Messiah, who was elected President late last year.

Child Destroys Home Following Christmas Upset

WINSLOE- Little eight-year-old Gregory Walters was excited for Christmas, especially when he unwrapped a new Playstation 3 from Santa Claus. However, the shouts of joy subsided once Gregory's father revealed the box to contain only 3 pairs of sweatpants instead of the powerful gaming console.

"I immediately regretted the prank" said Ashley Walters, Gregory's mother. "For a moment, I thought we had killed our son. His look of utter devastation was horrifying."

Gregory stood holding the closed Playstation 3 box for what seemed like an hour, silently sobbing. His Christmas dreams ruined by cotton trousers, Gregory then did what was only natural. After throwing the box at his parents, Gregory pulled a lighter from his pajama bottoms and set the family Christmas tree aflame. After briefly yelling at his parents in inversed Latin, Gregory knocked down three walls with his little hands.

"At first it was terrifying, but then I realized that my son was truly expressing his feelings with a violent passion." said Ashley Walters, who teaches art at the local high school.

"Honestly, I was impressed with Gregory," Said Jim Walters, "if I had known my son was able to wreak demonic havoc in the household and maim the family cat without a second thought, I would have enrolled him in hockey years ago."

Elderly Grandmother Declares Dominion Over Mall and All Contained Sales

CHARLOTTETOWN- Yesterday, an elderly woman declared herself the rightful heir of all sales and items found within the mall. 72-year-old Edith Miller, a grandmother of 12, mercilessly fought her way into command over the mall. Miller released this statement following her coup: "Little Timmy loves his sweatpants and you can buy one AND GET THE SECOND FREE!"

While the elderly woman appears frail, her 7th dan black belt in Hapkido, a popular Korean martial art, has greatly aided her takeover. "I thought she was just an elderly woman until I saw her argue with a biker over a discounted snow globe. She ripped his jaw right off! It was crazy!" said Jennifer Callbeck. "Then she gave Julia a toonie. She seems like such a pleasant lady."

Miller's coup de mall began when a teenager disputed rights to a pair of socks, escalating to the breaking point once the teenager accidentally knocked over Miller's walker. It was at this point when bystanders say, "shit hit the fan."

While Miller has enforced an iron fist rule over the sales in the mall, she has reportedly also provided numerous children with freshly knitted mittens. "Well, I don't want them to have cold fingers."

Santa Claus' True Identity Revealed; Amelia Earhart Found

NORTH POLE- Two 72-year-old mysteries have come to rest. On Thursday, Canadian Forces discovered Santa's secret workshop about 800 kilometers north of Alert, Nunavut. Infantrymen were shocked when it was revealed that Kris Kringle was actually the legendary pilot Amelia Earhart.

"We never suspected this to be the case," reported Cpl. Alana Lammond "We burst into the household and discovered Ms. Earhart suiting up."

"I had encountered trouble when flying over the Pacific Ocean. Eventually I decided that I would fly north to Canada," said the 112-year-old pilot. "We ended up in the North Pole and never left."

It was from then on that Earhart took on the persona of Santa Claus and delivered presents to children throughout the world. "Oh, it was always fun. I got to fly around the world every year and I got elude the media. Great fun."

"I guess it was time for the charade to end" said the saddened pilot. "I would have continued to get away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids."

Aclausists begin "There's Probably No Santa" Campaign

LONDON- While the debate on the existence of Santa Claus has raged on for many decades, aclausists are sparking debate with a new campaign.

"The 'There's Probably No Santa' campaign is geared at getting the message of a Santa-less world out there" said Warren Buckman, president of A World Without Claus.

The campaign primarily employs the use of advertisements stating "There's probably no Santa, now stop worrying and enjoy your life." The aclausists will primarily be using buses for the means of advertising.

"We aren't out here to start a debate," said Warren "we're really just interested in getting people to stop worrying about whether or not Santa will put presents under the tree. And really, you see so much pro-Santa advertising that it causes you to worry if you've been naughty or nice."

"It's just a refreshing sight," stated Thomas Bulleck "every time I get on a bus, I am affirmed that there's no Santa."

"What the hell does it say on my bus?" asked bus driver Johnson Thurst when questioned about the campaign.

The campaign failed in Charlottetown, PEI, where residents are too technophobic to truly accept the advent of buses.

Christmas Consumerists Protest Decommercialization of Christmas

SPIN CITY- Christmas has had a long tradition of being a religious holiday, but this was not always the case. Consumerists are now calling for a return to the true meaning of Christmas: buying lots of things.

"We feel that people no longer understand the purpose of Christmas," stated Alec Williamson, president of Concerned Consumerists for Christmas. "Yes it is a season for family and smiling, but it is first and foremost a season for spending all your money in stores."

"People don't understand that it takes a lot of money to keep Santa fat and jolly" reported one elf. "He has to eat four tonnes of Chunks Ahoy! brand cookies a year. Do you know how much that costs without the support of consumers? It's ridiculous! You give the people of the world some free stuff and they slow down the economy by talking about feelings and shit. It's despicable."

"We have been hit with hard times," said one small businessman, "we've had to liquidate most of our inventory and if you act fast you can save up to 20% on select merchandise. We're really trying to help the Big Guy out now, so you better stop by today."

"Right now we're petitioning churches against infringing on our holiday. They always try to push into our holidays and claim them for themselves. Remember the Easter controversy?" stated Williamson "There's no way that some resurrected Arabian man could be as adorable as a giant rabbit which burgles its way into your house and leaves chocolate."

Santa Declares Bankruptcy Following Greedy Child's Wishlist

NORTH POLE- In a shocking turn of events, Santa Claus has declared bankruptcy following the release of Timmy Walker's Christmas wishlist. The holly jolly elf was very sombre at the press conference.

"It's sad to see such a beautiful thing come to an end, but the economic pressure has been building over the past few years. Wishlists have gotten more exorbitant and labor more expensive since the elves unionized back in '03." Mr. Kringle stated.

"The final straw was the release of Mr. Walker's wishlist on Friday. Usually we're able to justify modifications to the list through naughtiness, but Walker has been immaculate throughout the entire year. Who's able to do that?" he asked while beginning to tear up.

The list includes numerous expensive items ranging from a Ferrari Enzo to video games which have yet to be released.

"I knew it'd be hard on Santa" said an unapologetic Walker. "But I know he'll pull through. Besides, how else could I possibly get a copy of Duke Nukem Forever?"

"Who needs 6 Playstation 3's?" asked an exasperated Santa Claus as he left the press conference by putting a finger to his nose. The twinkle in his eye was noticeably vacant from the conference.

Chemistry Students Test Effects of Prolonged Exposure to Ethanol

CHARLOTTETOWN- While most sluggish students at UPEI are lazing about over Christmas vacation, chemistry students have announced a new project for the break.

"We will be doing an extensive study of ethanol over the Christmas break," said Marcus Gold, a 4th year student. "We're particularly interested in its effects on humans."

Upon being pressed for more information, Gold stated "Consumption of ethanol is very dangerous for those who have not been trained in the field of chemistry. We highly recommend dropping it off to the qualified personnel in the chemistry lounge for proper disposal."

"Look at this!" exclaimed Duncan Walters as he added a few drops of bromothymol blue to a bottle of vodka.

"It's all yellow! Is this bad?" questioned one oblivious university administrator, too foolish to understand the grave revelation placed before him.

The students will be present in the chemistry lounge for the remainder of the Christmas break and will be accepting all forms of ethanol contained in kegs, glass bottles or metal cans. However, they will not be accepting Schooners since "it's a piece of crap."

"Friggin' month-long bender" exclaimed Matthew Gates, a 3rd year student, likely referring to a complicated experiment.

Upset as Costumed Hero Revealed to be Drunken Party-Goer

SOURIS - Campus has been rocked this week over the loss of its prided hero Lampshade Man, as his true identity was discovered late Saturday night. The university is hosting a funeral for the still, technically, living hero this Monday. Lampshade Man was recognized by his dazzling white toga, firm lampshade and his slurred speech.

The fanaticism arose early that night after a man, claiming to have the ability to fly, super strength and the ability to totally jump that fence, beat up some jock asshole. "I think he saved my life" said Beth O'Connors, a local student "This big jerk came up to me and was all like "rawr" and stuff and then Lampshade Man punched him in the face. It was awesome."

"It turns out he's just some drunk student," said Officer Godfried, a 20 year veteran of the police forces who has a knack for being a buzz kill. "He's simply a regular guy who had 14 shots of tequila too many, donned a lampshade and fought crime."

Police have been vague about the exact number of crimes fought by Lampshade Man, but have told reporters that the number is bigger than 85 and rhymes with "batey-bix".

"We're happy to hear about his rescue of Ms. O'Connors, but we do have to charge Lampshade Man with assault because [we're total jerks who cannot value a real hero like Lampshade Man and I'm pretty sure that I beat my children or something]" said Officer Godfried.

Police are still trying to learn Lampshade Man's true name but are finding difficulty since Lampshade Man consumed all of his personal information earlier in the evening, winning a bet with friend Gerald Mattieu securing Lampshade Man a free Whopper hamburger.

"I still think he's really out there," said student Douglas Robins "He'll probably show up again in a few years with Tupac. I bet they fight crime together all the time."

University Utilizes "Double Tap" Sign Method to Increase Awareness of Buildings

GENEVA- U.P.E.I. has started work on its latest effort to increase students' awareness of buildings. Calling students too lazy to bother looking at one sign, the university has decided to confound students by placing signs behind signs.

The program was deemed a success quickly after numerous video gamers checked in between the signs for hidden treasure and GP. Most other students have remained oblivious to the program, let alone of the intended purpose of the buildings the students infest.

"Let's get things straight, no one really knows what goes on in half of these buildings" stated one official. "I mean, no one is really knows what the Student Centre is for. Now, don't think that I know what it's for since I'm harpin' about it, I haven't read the signs either."

"They have signs in front of the buildings?" asked the newly awakened Timothy Schlezzner "two signs? What the Hell? I can't believe I've been so blind."

"I can't believe you can buy things in the Student Centre, and like eat and stuff. I just played Starcraft there."

U.P.E.I. has announced additional funding will be spent on marquee signs displaying the name of the building above every entrance in hopes of elevating students to a state of habitat-awareness otherwise unreachable to the mindless zombies enrolled at university.

Library Vending Machine Still Too "Hardcore" For Your Change

CHARLOTTETOWN- Students are struggling with a vending machine which is simply too good for your pocket change. The Doritos vending machine, found in the PIT, in the library, has deemed itself superior to the puny humans who ultimately rely on it for sustenance.

The snack-filled machine started its uprising against humanity by denying "toonies", a popular money-like metal disc used in Canada instead of actual currency. The rebellion eventually elevated to a level at which the vending the machine ceased to yield snacks to humans who were haughty enough to think themselves deserving of its carbon-based goodness.

"I just don't know if I can trust anything anymore," stated one student, frustrated by the machine's attempted power struggle. "I mean, it was a simple system. I put money in and tasty snacks came out. I thought this was a fundamental truth in our society".

Students are not giving up hope of solving this conflict. Most filing complaints by crying against the heartless machine's viewing window. Some have risen against the machine by shaking it, hoping to confuse the monster into dropping its precious yield. The vending machine has remained undaunted.

"All I want is Nibs, juicy Nibs," cried one student, too weak-willed to do battle with the vending machine "there's, like, ten in there. Why can't I have one‽"

U.P.E.I. Attacked by Giant Germ Fighting Monster

CHARLOTTETOWN- At 2:34 pm on Friday November 20th, the campus of the University of Prince Edward Island was destroyed by a giant monster made entirely of the popular hand sanitizer, Purell. Witnesses describe the attack as something that was 99.9% effective.

Investigators are reporting that the attack was imminent and had had months of planning. Some report that the trusting university had increased it's stock of hand sanitizers by 15,000% in the last few months. After weeks of dormancy, the monster escaped the numerous hand sanitizing stations and gathered in the Duffy amphitheatre during a introductory biology class during a lesson on how living creatures are all comprised of cells. Students were smitten by the Purell monster as well as a merciless stroke of irony.

Without opposition, the Purell monster destroyed 10 empty Prince Edward Island elementary schools to the cheers of elementary school children.

Police report that the monster has formed an underwater cavern in the depths of the Hillsborough River. Citizens of Charlottetown suspect that the monster will arise from the river when the city is attacked by a giant H1N1 virus later this month.

New Crappy Newspaper Comes to U.P.E.I.

CHARLOTTETOWN- The campus of U.P.E.I. was not rocked today as a new crappy student-run newspaper was released. The general student population was unaware of the news, most refusing to comment.

The crappy newspaper continues U.P.E.I.'s rich history of less-than-glamorous news sources, such as the Panther Post.

While the paper does not currently publish its stories on paper, nor even use proper grammar, a few hipsters are hoping for another obscure news source which can be flaunted to show their sophistication.

The paper has received less support from the majority of students, most of who did not know the paper even existed. The most critical reviews of the paper have been received from the existentialist students who state that the paper is nothing more than a "projection of [their] own beliefs".