University Utilizes "Double Tap" Sign Method to Increase Awareness of Buildings

GENEVA- U.P.E.I. has started work on its latest effort to increase students' awareness of buildings. Calling students too lazy to bother looking at one sign, the university has decided to confound students by placing signs behind signs.

The program was deemed a success quickly after numerous video gamers checked in between the signs for hidden treasure and GP. Most other students have remained oblivious to the program, let alone of the intended purpose of the buildings the students infest.

"Let's get things straight, no one really knows what goes on in half of these buildings" stated one official. "I mean, no one is really knows what the Student Centre is for. Now, don't think that I know what it's for since I'm harpin' about it, I haven't read the signs either."

"They have signs in front of the buildings?" asked the newly awakened Timothy Schlezzner "two signs? What the Hell? I can't believe I've been so blind."

"I can't believe you can buy things in the Student Centre, and like eat and stuff. I just played Starcraft there."

U.P.E.I. has announced additional funding will be spent on marquee signs displaying the name of the building above every entrance in hopes of elevating students to a state of habitat-awareness otherwise unreachable to the mindless zombies enrolled at university.

Library Vending Machine Still Too "Hardcore" For Your Change

CHARLOTTETOWN- Students are struggling with a vending machine which is simply too good for your pocket change. The Doritos vending machine, found in the PIT, in the library, has deemed itself superior to the puny humans who ultimately rely on it for sustenance.

The snack-filled machine started its uprising against humanity by denying "toonies", a popular money-like metal disc used in Canada instead of actual currency. The rebellion eventually elevated to a level at which the vending the machine ceased to yield snacks to humans who were haughty enough to think themselves deserving of its carbon-based goodness.

"I just don't know if I can trust anything anymore," stated one student, frustrated by the machine's attempted power struggle. "I mean, it was a simple system. I put money in and tasty snacks came out. I thought this was a fundamental truth in our society".

Students are not giving up hope of solving this conflict. Most filing complaints by crying against the heartless machine's viewing window. Some have risen against the machine by shaking it, hoping to confuse the monster into dropping its precious yield. The vending machine has remained undaunted.

"All I want is Nibs, juicy Nibs," cried one student, too weak-willed to do battle with the vending machine "there's, like, ten in there. Why can't I have one‽"

U.P.E.I. Attacked by Giant Germ Fighting Monster

CHARLOTTETOWN- At 2:34 pm on Friday November 20th, the campus of the University of Prince Edward Island was destroyed by a giant monster made entirely of the popular hand sanitizer, Purell. Witnesses describe the attack as something that was 99.9% effective.

Investigators are reporting that the attack was imminent and had had months of planning. Some report that the trusting university had increased it's stock of hand sanitizers by 15,000% in the last few months. After weeks of dormancy, the monster escaped the numerous hand sanitizing stations and gathered in the Duffy amphitheatre during a introductory biology class during a lesson on how living creatures are all comprised of cells. Students were smitten by the Purell monster as well as a merciless stroke of irony.

Without opposition, the Purell monster destroyed 10 empty Prince Edward Island elementary schools to the cheers of elementary school children.

Police report that the monster has formed an underwater cavern in the depths of the Hillsborough River. Citizens of Charlottetown suspect that the monster will arise from the river when the city is attacked by a giant H1N1 virus later this month.

New Crappy Newspaper Comes to U.P.E.I.

CHARLOTTETOWN- The campus of U.P.E.I. was not rocked today as a new crappy student-run newspaper was released. The general student population was unaware of the news, most refusing to comment.

The crappy newspaper continues U.P.E.I.'s rich history of less-than-glamorous news sources, such as the Panther Post.

While the paper does not currently publish its stories on paper, nor even use proper grammar, a few hipsters are hoping for another obscure news source which can be flaunted to show their sophistication.

The paper has received less support from the majority of students, most of who did not know the paper even existed. The most critical reviews of the paper have been received from the existentialist students who state that the paper is nothing more than a "projection of [their] own beliefs".