Many Students Still Unaware of Bachelor of Ninjitsu Degree

CHARLOTTETOWN- Despite the popularity of ninjitsu in modern times, very few students are enrolled in the Bachelor of Ninjistu program offered at UPEI. While the number of students enrolled in the program is impossible to estimate, reporters have been assured that there are more than enough ninja students to enforce Charlottetown's shadowy justice.

"Of course the admissions are low. If they were high, we wouldn't be ninjas, we would be nurses." said Master Shinobi Rabin Wu-long. "You need tact, skill, and lots of floss if you want to know the way of the ninja. You cannot be a ninja and have bad teeth!"

In 2006, the ninjistu faculty began running a large advertising program. The program included banners, posters, and public executions of the unlawful. "I was once invited to the UPEI ninja career expo," said student Nicholas Walker. "The only thing in the room was the body of a student who will not be born for another 36 years."

"It's hard to recruit students for the cause. Every student must be handpicked and groomed for many years. Our program requires thorough enrollment processes, unlike the pirate faculty." said Dr. Chi Xuan-Lin, referring to the Bachelor of Piracy program. The pirate program consists of only three courses: Grog Drinking (PIR 111), Advanced Grog Drinking (PIR 112) and the Philosophy of Scurvy (PIR 221). 

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M. Night Shyamalan Declared Next UPEI President

CHARLOTTETOWN- After over a decade as UPEI President, Wade MacLauchlan has announced that he is stepping down from his position, a position to be filled by MacLauchlan's heir, M. Night Shyamalan.

Shyamalan has already announced some plans for campus and his role as the lead director of the UPEI project. "There'll be lots of cameras. Different angles will bring more depth to the campus. I'll also be playing a minor role in campus life itself. Since my appearance in Lady in the Water, I've received a bad rap, so I'm thinking taking on a minor role, like a bio major."

"We're excited for Mr. Shyamalan's future on our campus," said Kathleen Murray, Director of Campus Development. "The man has produced nothing but crap since the Sixth Sense, so we figure that he's bound to have something good come out of him eventually."

"The first thing in store for campus is a new wall, a 20 foot tall barrier surrounding the campus," said the future President. "Then lots of smoke machines. You know, for effect."

"The administration and I have already entered into talks about what type of twist we'll have for the students. Currently I'm thinking that after a student graduates, they find out that campus is really in space."

Chicken Still Tasty

CHARLOTTETOWN- In what scientists are calling "the most interesting development in the brief history of chicken", regular consumers still list chicken as a "tasty" foodstuff. Various consumer digests report that the high concentration of deliciousness found in chicken is the primary source of its longevity in the food world.

After bursting onto the scene in late 2004, chicken has been blessed with a favourable view in the public's eye. Combating with global competitors such as bear meat and gorilla flesh, chicken has held its ground in the face of naysayers.

"I wasn't sure at first," says former doubter Thomas Jamieson "my friends kept pressuring me to try it. Really, I thought it was a new cigarette or something. When I put it in my mouth, the only flavor I could relate this to was chicken."

"Chicken's been pulling out all the stops," stated food connoisseur Jimmy Eaton. "I've been to supermarkets where they've been selling chicken pot pies, chicken with cheese in it. You'd think that we would have finally had enough but no, we love chicken."

Chicken has released a statement detailing the future release of "chicken fingers" and "chicken nuggets", neither of which can be found on a standard chicken.