UPEI introduces new degree of great fictional ideas

UPEI— UPEI has opened up registration for its latest major, great fictional ideas. Students in the program will learn about the greatest ideas to have taken place in a purely fictional environment.

“Good morning students!” said Dr. John Keating, “What are you doing? Why are you sitting at your desks!? Up! Up on your desks! SEIZE THE DAY!” before starting the “lecture” for Carpe Diem 102, Intro to Dead Poets Society.

The degree features courses such as the GFI 203 the Inclusive Castle, overcoming racism in Middle-Earth; GFI 405 Defence Against the Dark Arts; GFI 401 Political Sciences of Barn Yard Animals and GFI 302/History 302 Scottish Monarchs from Duncan to Malcolm.

Students in this program will not be assessed in traditional manners such as a percentage based score, or letter grades or even pass/fail. Students will receive their degree after being assessed on their capacity to be, finally receiving their degree once they realize that it is a meaningless paper and that it is the finer things in life that matter, like the sun glimmering off stones, or the way that your cat communicates with you with its eyes and soul.

“We encourage all students to take GFI 223 Potions with Snape,” said Dr. Took “’cause when you find out how much money you’ve spent on a degree in great fictional ideas, you’ll want to mix up a potion or two for yourself.”

The courses will focus on popular fictional characters, such as Frodo Baggins, Matilda, Lady Macbeth, Robin Williams in nearly every movie he appears in and Nobel Peace Prize recipient Barack Obama.

Many students were baffled by the announcement, many believing that UPEI already had a religious studies degree.

New nursing building completed just in time for demolition

UPEI— UPEI President Abd-El-Aziz formally opened the new nursing building Thursday, just hours before the building was set to be demolished in favour of a more modern nursing building.

“This building was at the forefront of the field, breaking boundaries and raising new standards of nursing. Well, it was until September, so we’re going to give you a new one.”

Scores of nursing and neglected food and nutrition students were shocked at the announcement, but remained hopeful that this newer building will be completed before they graduate.

The building, never actually named, was open for a twenty minute tour in which students could marvel at the wonderfully crafted classrooms, brimming with the almost cutting edge of technology. The bold building was trimmed with glass and red brick, the sun shimmering through the glass at just the correct angle to pass through the vitreous humor, arouse the optic nerve and bring more than one nursing student to openly weep.

The tour was ended by construction workers holding sledgehammers. The demolition began with a moving fragment poem spoken by one of the workers.

“Let’s bring this bitch down.”

When asked why UPEI would open and close a building, seemingly just to taunt the students, Mrs. Florence Hunter, building administrator for the new new nursing building, made harsh eye contact before saying: “The students must always remember, the good university giveth, and the good university taketh away.”