CHARLOTTETOWN— UPEI has formally announced its plan to construct a new Faculty of Transportation and Statistics building. This plan will coincide with the creation of the new degree of transportation. The building will be one of the largest buildings on campus, requiring the utter destruction of one of UPEI’s parking lots.
The Faculty of Transportation and Statistics building will contain seven state of the art classrooms that will likely never be used’ it will also only house one faculty member, who will never be teaching inside of the building. Dr. Jamie Larson, a doctorate of Transportation and Statistics with a speciality in parking, introduced the primary research of the new department.
“The primary goal of my research will be proposing solutions to parking congestion. This means that every couple weeks I’ll tell them to raise the cost of parking meters and then reward myself with a Dr. Pepper and a scratch ticket.”
In the past, students have parked in the Superstore parking lot, as well as the Farmer’s Market parking lot in order to guarantee parking. UPEI has since expressed interests in procuring these parking lots and utilizing the land for ‘green space’. This purchase would not be set up to offset the carbon emissions of the campus, but instead just to fuck with the students.
“UPEI could really just pave some land, or construct a parking facility, but if it were really that simple, I probably wouldn’t have the gambling addiction that I have now thanks to those lotto tickets.” said Dr. Larson.
UPEI has also announced plans to hire Stephen Harper’s budget cutting advisors to help reduce the burden of tuition on students. A plan that will result in a near doubling of tuition.
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