WASHINGTON— A visibly shaken Barack Obama addressed the nation today on a televised broadcast. “Hey guys, it’s been a while since we talked. I know we said we’d work on communication, but things got busy. But let’s cut the bull.”
The 50 year old adjusted his collar, making eye contact with the camera briefly before letting his gaze drop back down to his hand scrawled notes. He let out a deep breath before starting again. “Now listen for a sec, don’t freak out guys, but the money is gone.”
The president stood there in silence, letting the audience at home collect themselves. He looked back up, his brow furrowed. “Now I know what you’re thinking, I know what you’re thinking. Barry, I had $43.24 in my piggy bank. It’s gone. We needed that new car.”
The president turned to face camera two. “Or that $234.98 wedged between the mattresses for emergencies, we took that too. We’re spending $700 billion for a military. Let alone $13 trillion on other stuff. Then there’s the Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security and Sasha and Malia need their private school tuition paid too. What I’m saying is this: we took the $234.98 wedged between mattresses too.”
“I know we agreed to cut back and I said that I would get a second job. But $1.39 in cuts wasn’t enough to stop that and Olive Garden isn’t paying like it used to.”
“Now I’m not saying that Santa isn’t going to come to the United States this year, but I am saying that his sleigh is probably going to be a little bit lighter this time around.” Obama, master of charisma, turned to the first camera. “Joey, stop your sniffling, it’s going to be okay.”
“I’ve talked to Michelle, and we think we worked out our plan. Don’t worry, we’re not moving back in with England. It’s much simpler than that. Success is nearly guaranteed.” He said, bringing back the ol’ Obama/Biden smile of ’08.
“We’re invading Canada.”
No comments:
Post a Comment