Many Students Still Unaware of Bachelor of Ninjitsu Degree

CHARLOTTETOWN- Despite the popularity of ninjitsu in modern times, very few students are enrolled in the Bachelor of Ninjistu program offered at UPEI. While the number of students enrolled in the program is impossible to estimate, reporters have been assured that there are more than enough ninja students to enforce Charlottetown's shadowy justice.

"Of course the admissions are low. If they were high, we wouldn't be ninjas, we would be nurses." said Master Shinobi Rabin Wu-long. "You need tact, skill, and lots of floss if you want to know the way of the ninja. You cannot be a ninja and have bad teeth!"

In 2006, the ninjistu faculty began running a large advertising program. The program included banners, posters, and public executions of the unlawful. "I was once invited to the UPEI ninja career expo," said student Nicholas Walker. "The only thing in the room was the body of a student who will not be born for another 36 years."

"It's hard to recruit students for the cause. Every student must be handpicked and groomed for many years. Our program requires thorough enrollment processes, unlike the pirate faculty." said Dr. Chi Xuan-Lin, referring to the Bachelor of Piracy program. The pirate program consists of only three courses: Grog Drinking (PIR 111), Advanced Grog Drinking (PIR 112) and the Philosophy of Scurvy (PIR 221). 

Noun Participle Noun Adverb Adverb "Informal Adjective" Preposition Posessive Pronoun Noun

NOUN- Plural noun intransitive verb phrase preposition indefinite article participle noun pronoun verb adverb intensifier adverb adjective preposition possessive pronoun adjectival noun noun. Definite article Proper Noun participle noun, verb adverb article ACRONYM, preposition article noun, past tense verb pronoun adjective preposition article adjective plural-noun pronoun adverb verb preposition pronoun preposition verb. 

Article adjectival-phrase noun verb possessive pronoun gerund preposition collective noun preposition verb "informal noun", article adjective adjectival-phrase adjectival noun noun verb preposition Proper Noun adverb preposition adjective noun. Definite article noun adverb verb preposition article noun preposition pronoun article participle noun verb preposition transitive verb plural noun preposition noun pronoun verb adjective adverb preposition verb plural pronoun gerund preposition possessive pronoun adjectival-phrase noun.

"First person personal pronoun adverb contract'n verb conjunction pronoun auxiliary verb verb pronoun adverb," verb quantitative adjective noun, participle preposition article possessive noun participle adjective noun. "Pronoun verb, demonstrative pronoun verb article adjective noun. Pronoun verb noun preposition conjunction adjective noun verb preposition." Lazy editor, surprise ending.

M. Night Shyamalan Declared Next UPEI President

CHARLOTTETOWN- After over a decade as UPEI President, Wade MacLauchlan has announced that he is stepping down from his position, a position to be filled by MacLauchlan's heir, M. Night Shyamalan.

Shyamalan has already announced some plans for campus and his role as the lead director of the UPEI project. "There'll be lots of cameras. Different angles will bring more depth to the campus. I'll also be playing a minor role in campus life itself. Since my appearance in Lady in the Water, I've received a bad rap, so I'm thinking taking on a minor role, like a bio major."

"We're excited for Mr. Shyamalan's future on our campus," said Kathleen Murray, Director of Campus Development. "The man has produced nothing but crap since the Sixth Sense, so we figure that he's bound to have something good come out of him eventually."

"The first thing in store for campus is a new wall, a 20 foot tall barrier surrounding the campus," said the future President. "Then lots of smoke machines. You know, for effect."

"The administration and I have already entered into talks about what type of twist we'll have for the students. Currently I'm thinking that after a student graduates, they find out that campus is really in space."

Chicken Still Tasty

CHARLOTTETOWN- In what scientists are calling "the most interesting development in the brief history of chicken", regular consumers still list chicken as a "tasty" foodstuff. Various consumer digests report that the high concentration of deliciousness found in chicken is the primary source of its longevity in the food world.

After bursting onto the scene in late 2004, chicken has been blessed with a favourable view in the public's eye. Combating with global competitors such as bear meat and gorilla flesh, chicken has held its ground in the face of naysayers.

"I wasn't sure at first," says former doubter Thomas Jamieson "my friends kept pressuring me to try it. Really, I thought it was a new cigarette or something. When I put it in my mouth, the only flavor I could relate this to was chicken."

"Chicken's been pulling out all the stops," stated food connoisseur Jimmy Eaton. "I've been to supermarkets where they've been selling chicken pot pies, chicken with cheese in it. You'd think that we would have finally had enough but no, we love chicken."

Chicken has released a statement detailing the future release of "chicken fingers" and "chicken nuggets", neither of which can be found on a standard chicken.

Yellow Belt Most Bad*ss Mother F*cker on Campus

CHARLOTTETOWN- Tommy MacDonald, a yellow belt from Chun Fat's Dojo of Karate Excellence, is definitely the most badass person on campus. "Look at all these people, I could probably take them all on" he said, looking over the weaker members of the human race gathered in the cafeteria.

MacDonald's skill as a fighter increased greatly since being promoted to a yellow belt yesterday. "When I put on the yellow belt, it's a sign of power. I'm no longer a white belt like almost all of these suckers around me."

"There was this one time when I was fighting this white belt and I slaughtered him." Recanted MacDonald, calling to mind his recent fight with Jonathon Gallant which actually ended in a tie.

"I mean, check out this skill" MacDonald bragged as he set a plastic bottle on top of a bench before swiftly kicking and missing the target, "well, I'm wearing jeans today and those are hard to kick in and I'm not stretched but you can see the power in the kick."

"I bet that most of these people can't do a simple Apgoobi Ro Momtong Girogi, I mean look at this guy, he's big but I could take him for sure" he said unknowingly about Thomas Carlton, three times gold medal winner in the men's heavy weight Pan-American Muay Thai division.

World to End on December 31st 2009

CHARLOTTETOWN- Panic has struck the world with the realization that the end of the world is coming on the 31st of December. Researchers report that the date of 12/31/09 coincides with the end of the Western Calendar.

"Well, of course it's going to be the end of the world." said specialist Dave Whittaker. "There's really no bones about it, the Western Calendar ends on the 31st of December and from this we can expect the Battle of Armageddon to take place."

The Western Calender has been in use since the time of Julius Caesar, a man who did a lot of important things and was eventually killed.

"This may be some type of Roman curse, you know, ending the world immediately following Christmas" said Whittaker. "I won't get to play with my new Mastercraft drill, all because of a murder plot. Damn you Brutus! Damn you Cassius!"

"There'll probably be explosions and shit," said Dr. Marget Kissinger, a local expert, "maybe a few montages as homes are destroyed, and probably something really ironic too, like a glacier catching fire. The thing is that it's shocking. You look at the calendar, fully expecting to see January and bam, it's not there."

Some have pointed out that Armageddon is to be fully expected with the return of the Messiah, who was elected President late last year.

Child Destroys Home Following Christmas Upset

WINSLOE- Little eight-year-old Gregory Walters was excited for Christmas, especially when he unwrapped a new Playstation 3 from Santa Claus. However, the shouts of joy subsided once Gregory's father revealed the box to contain only 3 pairs of sweatpants instead of the powerful gaming console.

"I immediately regretted the prank" said Ashley Walters, Gregory's mother. "For a moment, I thought we had killed our son. His look of utter devastation was horrifying."

Gregory stood holding the closed Playstation 3 box for what seemed like an hour, silently sobbing. His Christmas dreams ruined by cotton trousers, Gregory then did what was only natural. After throwing the box at his parents, Gregory pulled a lighter from his pajama bottoms and set the family Christmas tree aflame. After briefly yelling at his parents in inversed Latin, Gregory knocked down three walls with his little hands.

"At first it was terrifying, but then I realized that my son was truly expressing his feelings with a violent passion." said Ashley Walters, who teaches art at the local high school.

"Honestly, I was impressed with Gregory," Said Jim Walters, "if I had known my son was able to wreak demonic havoc in the household and maim the family cat without a second thought, I would have enrolled him in hockey years ago."