SPIN CITY- Christmas has had a long tradition of being a religious holiday, but this was not always the case. Consumerists are now calling for a return to the true meaning of Christmas: buying lots of things.
"We feel that people no longer understand the purpose of Christmas," stated Alec Williamson, president of Concerned Consumerists for Christmas. "Yes it is a season for family and smiling, but it is first and foremost a season for spending all your money in stores."
"People don't understand that it takes a lot of money to keep Santa fat and jolly" reported one elf. "He has to eat four tonnes of Chunks Ahoy! brand cookies a year. Do you know how much that costs without the support of consumers? It's ridiculous! You give the people of the world some free stuff and they slow down the economy by talking about feelings and shit. It's despicable."
"We have been hit with hard times," said one small businessman, "we've had to liquidate most of our inventory and if you act fast you can save up to 20% on select merchandise. We're really trying to help the Big Guy out now, so you better stop by today."
"Right now we're petitioning churches against infringing on our holiday. They always try to push into our holidays and claim them for themselves. Remember the Easter controversy?" stated Williamson "There's no way that some resurrected Arabian man could be as adorable as a giant rabbit which burgles its way into your house and leaves chocolate."
Monday, December 21, 2009
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